Why Lime?

Random Pictures From My Desktop At Work

2009-07-30T10:10:00.005-04:00

While doing my rounds of fact checking, I come across some pretty interesting pictures, which I end up dragging to my desktop and putting into a folder at a later date. Unfortunately, because I'm not that organized, I can't fully credit where these come from, so I'll just say via the Internetz.

Things I Want To Be Awesome At

2009-07-13T00:30:00.005-04:00

I've started a mental list in my head of things I want to be awesome at, as the title of the this post suggests. My husband and I have started talking about kids and, for some reason, the thought no longer scares me. I guess I am starting to feel like an adult...most of the time. But, for some reason, I have this '50s housewife stereotype stuck in my head of things I want to be able to do before having kids. And, I know this image is kind of outdated, but I still can't escape it. So, instead of trying to rebel against it, I've decided to embrace it, and try my hardest to at least get the basics down I feel I would need to accomplish the stereotype.

I want to be able to sew a dress without a pattern

This, of course, would probably require I go out and buy a basic pattern and some fabric first, right? Yeah...I guess so. But I have this image that one day, I'll be at work and my husband will call and tell me we're having company over for hors d'oeuvres and brandy and I'll tell him I have nothing to wear. So, I picture myself stopping at JoAnn fabric on the way home and, as my mini-quiches and tartlets are cooking, I'll whip up a snazzy, casual little dress. This scenario may never play out in my life. ...but there's always the small hope it would. And, somehow, I picture Mr. and Mrs. Tate coming over later, exclaiming how lovely my house is and that my husband sure came through on that advertising deal. If only I could learn to wiggle my nose, I'd be all set for this scenario.

I want to be able to pull off red lipstick

I feel like red lipstick ages, but not in a good way. It's like, if you can pull of red lip stick, you're old enough to wear it. If you're not old enough to wear it, no matter how perfect it may be applied, you still look like you've gone and played in your mother's makeup bag again. I get away with the occasional red gloss for some pop. And, luckily, it usually wears off after a few hours. But I tried the red lipstick look once for my friend's wedding. And I felt like I was so close to pulling it off. But I still didn't feel right about it. Maybe because it's not an every day look for me...but one day, I will be able to pull of red lipstick.

I want to be able to set the perfect table

I was at a friend's wedding shower a few weeks ago and I noticed the catering staff's way of pulling a tablecloth askew on half of the table and laying out the food just so, as if it were being photographed for a spread in some upscale magazine I would never buy, but secretly skim at a book store. Personally, I don't think the tiny twinges of OCD would tolerate half my dining room table covered with a table cloth that looked like it could fall off at any moment. I would most likely adjust it until it lay perfectly balanced. But I did decide I would start looking at table cloths in general, just so I don't end up having to explain the white heat marks I made (somewhat) better this weekend.

I want to be able to grow and maintain flowers

I'm getting there! I actually planted Forget-Me-Nots a few months ago in my window boxed on my front porch that have actually sprouted. I figure in a few weeks, they will look somewhat decent, although I didn't know Forget-Me-Nots grew so exceptionally tall...they kind of look out of place.

I want to be able to know where everything is in my house

I have an upstairs room I store my random things: scraps of fabric from a pair of pajama pants I tried to make and was halfway through until I realized I forgot to flip the pattern and I sewed two left legs; my yoga mat and DVDs I was crazy about in January, but have since given up on because I realized I was not relaxed when I was yelling at the instructors every time they said

"hold it just a few more seconds..."; books I intend to put on a shelf but won't until I get the rest of them out of my sister-in-law's attic; CDs...somewhere. Needless to say, I need to do an inventory of what I have upstairs and in the basement. Everything on the first floor is pretty much accounted for.

I want to be able to maintain a daily 10 minute clean

I have the instructions, but actually getting around to doing it at the end of the day seems to be the least appealing thing in the world. Hell, I've had two of my pillows in the dryer for two days now that I'm procrastinating bringing upstairs and putting back in their case. And my dishwasher, well, I keep hoping one day my husband will want to put the dishes away without me asking...but I think that's a pipe dream I need to get out of my head.

I want to learn the lyrics to at least 10 songs

I have a mental list of songs I want to be able to sing to my children. Offhand, I can only name three of them, but I know them when I hear them on my iPod. What I'd like to be able to do is learn the lyrics so I can sing them without having to substitute the words "something, something, love you something, something," which I tend to do when I completely blank on lyrics. I think karaoke spoiled me from having to learn lyrics. Either that, or I've been disappointed when I find the lyrics I've been singing for years is completely wrong. Case in point: After watching all five seasons of "Saved By The Bell" last week on DVD, I finally learned the words weren't "and the lawn gets out of waterin'", but were, in fact, "and the alarm lets out a warning." Not that I would put my children to bed singing the theme to "SBTB", but you never know.

I want to be able to change a diaper

Yeah, that's right, I've never actually done it on a live child before. Oh, sure, I had a flour baby and could easily put a diaper on a sack of flour, with one hand even. But an actual squirming, crying, wet and soiled child? No, never done it. I think I was afraid I'd secretly like it and start listening to my biological clock. Well, now that I've actually started noticing my biological clock, I seem to think it's with me when I have the irrational nightmare of pulling an Andrew Clark from "The Breakfast Club" and taping the child's buns together instead of the diaper. I'll get to it, I swear...

I want to be able to put together a delicious dinner in 30 minutes or less

Amendment to this statement: And not have to listen to anyone say "Yummo" or "E-V-O-O". God, I hate Rachael Ray. Hate. I would watch her on mute if I could. But, then again, I would want to be able to make these meals from scratch, too. Some of her stuff is pre-made she uses. Yeah, I'm kind of a perfectionist when it comes to cooking. I've baked and decorated my share of cakes, and I always feel so guilty when people tell me how good they are. I should be sending these compliments to Duncan Hines, actually. Oh, sure, the decorating is all me...but the cake is a mix+eggs+oil and my Kitchen Aide mixer, let's be honest. But I can decorate it like a champ!

One day, I may accomplish these goals. The red lipstick, well, that's the one that'll take some time...

The Commute

2009-05-22T17:19:00.002-04:00

Welcome to Friday. The day all is supposed to go well. And, for the most part, people are just relieved the weekend is so close. The work day sort of dribbles by, but as soon as the last minute is over, the pupils dilate, the pulse quickens, the senses tingle. It's either the heroin kicking in or the weekend beginning (for some, it may be both).

But, if you live in Connecticut like me, you know that the minute your car is out of the parking garage and onto public streets, the feeling dissipates. Gone are the ideas that were flooding you moments earlier with plans to start the weekend. Instead, brake lights are slapped in front of your eyes, as if to say, "Oh, silly you. You know this happens every Friday, yet you still anticipate me, whether you know it or not."

If you know back roads, you're at least moving along...but nine times out of 10 you're stuck behind someone who could care less about your need to feel the wind whipping through your hair, driving 45 in a 25 mph cop-less road. The car in front of you doesn't even has its brake lights on, yet you're still pumping your brake because sheer momentum seems to pull your car faster than the one in front of you. When they turn off you have a whole 23 seconds of freedom! You go for the gas pedal, you know these roads well enough, there are no brakes involved! And then, damn. Another one. These are YOUR back roads! How dare someone try to claim them for themselves and their slow vehicles.

The luck is no better on the highway. In fact, as you're inching along, plans for the weekend begin to be replaced by listing things you'd rather be doing than sitting in traffic. None of which are even remotely close to giving you the same misery going 11 exits in an hour and a half does. (This is Connecticut we're talking about; I realize that in some states where 11 exits in an hour and a half is a miracle and should be praised--I'm looking at you, upstate New York!) Somehow, you would trade your right hand to be on the floor of your bathroom using whitening toothpaste on grout instead of stuck in traffic.

An hour into your commute home, you go through the same weekly questions in your head: Should I move closer to my job? Should I find a job closer to me? If I went back to work at Carvel, could I somehow still pay my mortgage? (OK, the last one may just be me...)

You make a pact to look into your options when you get home, if you get home. This is, of course, in vain because once you get home, you're so happy to be there, the thought of looking for another job just seems ridiculous. You enjoy your job (or at least tolerate it). The commute only gets to you one day out of the week. How hard is that? You survived it before you'll survive it again.

Then you see the clock. It's two and a half hours later than you actually left. Your Friday night had such hope, such promise. But, now it seems wasted. Your energy level is shot. You don't even have the energy to think about trying heroine, just to see if you can bring back that fresh 5 o'clock feeling instead of the sloth-like 7 o'clock slump.

You wait for your third wind to hit. 7:30. Nothing. 8 p.m. Nothing. The phone is starting to ring with offers for the night, but nothing really gets you up and going. You'd rather sulk about your commute just ruining everything.

Three hours since work and what have you accomplished? Getting yourself home. In one piece. Without causing a lawsuit because you threw your water bottle at an old woman going one mile below the speed limit. (I know, I know, she totally deserved it. Especially when she stopped right before the light ahead turned yellow when she could have easily run it, with you on her tail.) Without even being that guy who decides he can't wait any more and drives five miles on the shoulder, almost careening into a Jersey barrier when the shoulder unexpectedly ends.

Well, when you put it that way, you've accomplished a lot! You deserve a reward for your hard work and effort! You didn't have to let people merge onto the highway from the on ramps. You could have been the four out of five asshats on 95 who don't let anyone get in front of them, thinking they're saving themselves seconds off their rides home. Yeah! You have good karma coming to you! It's time to celebrate! It's time to get up and change out of your work clothes, which you realize was one of the things holding you back...slave clothes, more like it.

OK! You're ready! You're in the car! You pull out of your driveway and get onto the highway to visit some friends and...oh shit...Of course. No longer is the highway full of commuter traffic, it's now full of former-commuters like yourself who went through the same after-work slump you did and are now ready to go downtown and enjoy themselves.

And, once again, that old lady is in front of you. However, now she is, clearly, high as a kite on medical marijuana (not legal in Connecticut, by the way, but it's not like anyone would suspect her for possession). And you know this because she throws your water bottle back at you, only she has used some Popsicle sticks and a glue gun to turn it into a bong. Sassy bitch.

The Weird Week

2009-04-23T08:05:00.003-04:00

There's something about the week leading up to my birthday that has always been, well, interesting. I don't know what it is, but it's never just been a normal week. And I never remember or think about it until I'm smack-dab in the middle of it. By the way, my birthday's Saturday and it's the one year I haven't been noticing every day how much closer I am to turning another year older.

26 isn't anything too exciting, though. I mean, what's the big deal about 26? Not that I need any more birthdays that are a big deal. Turning 18 was big, although I don't know why, other than the fact I bought a lottery ticket that night and wasn't carded, unfortunately. 20 was such a cock-tease of a year. 21 was awesome and I got drunk on Mango Margaritas and shots of Southern Comfort (my gateway hard liquor, I call it). When I turned 25, it hit me I was getting married exactly three months later...and I wondered what I needed to finish up.

I don't remember much about the weeks leading up to these ages, but I know I've always noticed things were a bit off. Maybe it's the transition into springtime. I mean, the reason Miss Rhode Island won in "Miss Congeniality" has got to be because she was asked to pick the perfect date...and she chose my birthday: "April 25th. It's not too hot, it's not too cold, you just need a light jacket!" Oh, Cheryl Frasier.

Who knows. Maybe it's all in my head. It probably is. Although, that wouldn't explain the office fire I helped put out yesterday.

We had sort of a field trip to help clean up the beach by where we worked, so we were out in the rain doing so. When we got back, my coworker and I had our clothes drying next to a space heater. Well, he decided to drape his sweater over the top of it, and then left a few minutes later to go to the bathroom. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw an orange glow coming out of the back of the heater. I grabbed the sweater off of it, then saw a flame inside. Well, I said something to the effect of "Oh crap, it's on fire." And started running to get the fire extinguisher. When I ran back, all the guys in the office were just starring at it, like "Oooh, fire!" Meanwhile, I'm practically dragging this extinguisher with two hands, when my boss finally says, "Oh, here, give me that." And he put out the fire.

But, what was funny was everyone was giving me the credit, including my boss. I think mostly because I didn't just stare at it in wonder. They didn't even know we had a fire extinguisher and was impressed I was able to find it so quickly. (Incidentally, it was by the door we all use.)

Following that rush, we got out of work early so the fumes could be properly handled. So, everyone decided to go for a drink. When I got there, they set up a game of pool, and asked if I wanted to play. Well, other than knocking in the 8-Ball on my third shot, I blew their minds. Granted, I've been around a pool table my whole life. My grandfather taught me to play. And I'm even better when I don't have to call what ball I want to go in. For some reason, I learned how to play left-handed, but that never seemed to hinder me. But the fact that I got to "impress" my coworkers twice yesterday, and at things that don't have anything to do with my actual job, made me realize I'm in the middle of my Annual Weird Week.

Oh, sure. Other stuff has happened a little out of the ordinary, but that was the adrenaline rush of yesterday I couldn't wait to write about.

The Cleaning Freak is Unleashed

2009-04-18T20:50:00.004-04:00

I'll admit it: I'm a closet slob. My desk as work is very clean, and every few weeks I'll even wipe it down with anti-bacterial spray. But if you open the top drawer, there are plastic cutlery strewn about and old packets of duck sauce and Taco Bell sauce I'll use one day. Not to mention tampons, different medicines from the medicine cabinet at work and rubber bands here and there. But, at the same time, I get so annoyed at my coworker who sits at the same desk for having three old containers of take-out Miso Soup stacked by his monitor I know he'll never eat.

My dresser is dust free and the top is very organized and dust-free. But if you open a drawer, nothing is in a straight line. The top may be neatly folded because of putting away laundry, but the stuff I don't wear as often underneath the folded stuff is inside-out or crumpled messily or stuffed into corners so I can close the drawer.

Today I Swiffered underneath the bed and found four of my socks I took off during the night with the full intention of picking them up in the morning, but never seen or remembered.

My saving grace in my head is the mantra "Well, at least I'm not as bad as my husband," which is a terrible way to think of it! But I had to admit to myself that I will always have a messy streak.

I do, however, find a certain satisfaction (or schadenfreude, actually) in watching "How Clean is Your House?" on BBC America. In case you haven't had the pleasure of watching it, Kim Woodburn and Aggie Mackenzie are two "neat freaks", if you will. They surprise (as far as Reality TV lets you imagine, at least) slobs in their homes and open their eyes to just how disgusting they've been living. Then, with their decorated rubber gloves and English accents, they show the homeowners how to clean their house. I wouldn't have thought of this premise as a great idea for a reality show, but it's very addicting. And I get my "fix" almost every day because BBCA apparently knows it's a good show, so my DVR has at least two episodes waiting for me when I get home from work--some of them are repeats, but they're always fun to watch again.

Well, I've gotten so addicted to this show (in my effort to become the Grand Puba of Full-Time Career Girl/Housewife), that I found their book, "The Cleaning Bible", on Amazon and bought it immediately. Well, I can't even begin to tell you how clean my house is right now.

Hell, I'll let the review I posted at Amazon do the talking for you:

"I've recently gotten addicted to 'How Clean is Your House?' on BBC America. So much so that when I finish watching an episode, I start cleaning until my husband stops me or I have to go to bed or work. I have gotten so into the show, I now picture miniature versions of Kim and Aggie on my shoulder with their wit and wisdom as I'm scrubbing away at my bathroom or kitchen.

When I found they wrote a book, I ordered it immediately, and even got Amazon Prime so I could enjoy it sooner. I've had it for a few days now and I can't say I've made much of a dent in the book. This is because I will read a few pages, then put it down to clean something. There's something about them that makes me want to clean and convinces me that I actually enjoy it somehow.

We moved into a house built in 1928 last year, and we've torn the wall-to-wall carpets up and re-finished the hardwood floors underneath; taken the wallpaper down and painted; re-wired the kitchen; and basically had to start from scratch with this house. From all that work, cleaning seemed like such a chore, especially if we were to work on a new project that would inevitably make a mess. But now it's not so daunting.

Maybe it's the thought of Kim saying, 'And look how it sparkles, dear! You wouldn't have known it could do that before, now, did you?' Or Aggie saying, 'You only need a cap-full of bleach, dear, not the whole bottle!'

Either way, because of these two wonderful women, I get a kick out of cleaning and my home has been spotless for about two weeks (since becoming addicted to the show). My husband, who is probably 'quite a filthy little beggar' in Kim's mind, is happier as well because I haven't been complaining as much about cleaning. (Don't get the wrong impression of him--he helps out more, and from watching the show, I've noticed his complaints about cleaning are becoming few and far between.)

The best thing I have to say about the book AND the show is the Mother-in-Law test. She came over this afternoon for coffee, and was stunned at how clean everything was. I wasn't even expecting her and I had no doubt when she pulled in the driveway that everything would be to her liking. I was even able to give her some tips I picked up from the show and the book!

I can't say enough about this book or the two wonderful women who wrote it. It's not even something you have to read before cleaning--the personal stories they put in make the book easy to read before going to bed or lounging around the house (when you run out of stuff to clean...or so you think).

As a childhood fan of Mary Poppins, these two women are probably the closest I'll ever have to having someone say 'spit-spot' and snapping their fingers and it's clean."

LINK

Gotta Love Checklists

2009-04-05T11:37:00.005-04:00

Remember I was writing about trying to become more Stepford Wife-like? Well, in my effort, I came across some of the best tools for cleaning: Real Simple Checklists.

First, I printed the 30 Minute Daily Clean, which I only have to do every few days because my husband and I both work so much, we don't really have time to make big daily messes. LINK

Then, I printed out checklists for thoroughly cleaning each room.

Kitchen

Living Room/Dining Room/Bedroom

Bathroom

Unfortunately, when I cleaned the bathroom thoroughly, I clogged the drain in the bathtub. This, of course, led to standing in about 6 inches of water whenever we take a shower. And, when the water finally goes down the drain, we were left with even more dirt in the tub than we were before I cleaned. Hopefully, the two doses of Liquid Plumber we used yesterday helped. We haven't tested it yet.

I have also started to use an online checklist to remind me what I cleaned and what I haven't yet. LINK

My husband's job when this cleaning is taking place is to just stay out of my way. He's learned that I have my way of cleaning and his way is "wrong". OK, it's not necessarily wrong, it's just...not my way. But we're both self-admitted slobs; I just hide it a lot better.

A few hints I've picked up in my exploration of cleaning:

Before doing any cleaning, take off wedding/engagement rings and other jewelry and put them in the jewelry cleaner container. This way, they aren't subjected to cleaning supplies and other gunk, and when you're done, take them out and shine them up.
Train yourself not to start any mini-projects. I was all gung-ho about cleaning the kitchen one night and about a third of the way through it, I noticed my Tupperware cabinet was an absolute disaster, and I was ready to sit down and spend an extra 20 minutes just working on that. But I had to stop myself and put it on my ToDo list for later.
Don't get mad when you've cleaned the bathroom, then your husband comes to the door, looking like a sad puppy and says, "Honey, I'm sorry, but you know that Mexican we had for dinner? Well, um, please let me in!" It happens.
Pick up after yourself as you go along; don't leave everything for a "big clean". It's much easier to clean as you go. I'm still sort of training my husband in this. His new favorite excuse is "I'm sorry, I thought I put it away already." At least he's moved on from, "What mess?"
Have the right tools. I have been eyeing the Swiffer Duster for ages. But when I see it in the store, I can't think of a single thing I need to dust. Then I get home and see the dining room furniture, the tops of our dressers, the TVs, the ceiling fans (just read in Real Simple that an old pillowcase is awesome to use on ceiling fans so the dust doesn't fly everywhere).
Reward yourself. OK, some people are content just seeing a sparkling kitchen. I, on the other hand, still need some sort of compensation for my work. A few hours off the ever-living diet, perhaps. Or some time spent on Amazon.com (lately, browsing for cleaning books, go figure). It might be allowance mind-set still in my head.
If you're noticing you're cleaning up after someone else, tell them. Don't let it fester. If you're using your anger for cleaning energy (my kitchen sink was almost steel wooled away one afternoon because of this), try and tire yourself out before confronting the person.
If you start a cleaning project, finish it. This may sound like simple advice, but I've learned when my husband cleans, he will only do 90 percent of the job. For example, I asked him to clean the bathroom one day. This was a job he said he couldn't wait to do when we moved in. When I found him sitting on the couch a little while later, he proudly told me he was done. When I went into the bathroom, the sink, the toilet, the bathtub and the floor were clean. The stuff he moved in the process, however, was still on the dining room table.

I have to take a moment here and say that my husband is not a bad person at all. I love him dearly and when he goes to Iraq in August, I'll probably miss the messes he leaves. He will admit that he's a slob (but will also point out the pile of books I messily toss behind my nightstand or the pile in the back corner of my side of the closet), but he also admits he grew up in a house where he wasn't "allowed" to clean. His mother had her own system of cleaning that he wasn't privy to. I have to admit, I probably don't help matters because I don't have the patience to re-teach him the stuff he does know how to clean so that it's up to my standards.

One more tip before I get back to my To Do list:

Watch BBC's "How Clean Is Your House?" or visit people who are absolute slobs if you need a kick in the ass to get cleaning. Usually, once I start cleaning, I don't stop until the Windex is pryed from my raw, pruny hands. But getting started (i.e. just getting off the couch and putting my hair in a ponytail) is the hardest part. However, when you're looking at someone else's place that's an absolute mess, or watching a show that focuses on the nastiness that can happen when you don't clean, it does a good job of pushing you in the direction of "oh god, I do not want my place to look like that!"

Best. Wrestling. Promo. Ever!

2009-04-05T11:23:00.002-04:00

Saw this at work, thought it was from the '80s or even he early '90s. However, no! This is new! Oh, Jimmy Hart, what the hell are you doing?

One more little rant

2009-03-23T00:53:00.004-04:00

In my Google searches for "Becoming a Stepford Wife", "Learn to love cooking and cleaning", "Housework for Dummies", "Working wife cooking and cleaning tips" and "Donna Reed First Season DVD Cheap", I've reached the end of my rope (see previous post on why). Not even because I'm not finding what I need (other than the Donna Reed DVDs, but I realized I only wanted to watch the show, not learn from it), but because I keep seeing blogs and articles written by women who start off by saying, "I am a loving stay-at-home wife by choice."

This is uncharacteristic of me to say this, but what the hell are they trying to prove? Are they so threatened by their counter-equals, who send their kids to day care and want to earn their own money? Have career women completely moved ahead in time, leaving housewives to think they have to defend their choices at every turn? By choice. Phft!

If I had the choice, I would love to quit my job. I would write that book I always say I will. ... or at least start a new one every week, figuring that one will be better than the one I previously started. I probably wouldn't do anymore housework than I do already, in all honesty.

Sure, if I had kids, I would love to stay home with them. But I know it's not in my nature to do so; I need to be out. I need to have a purpose. I need a job. I need somewhere to go for eight hours a day, outside of the house. If not just for the appreciation I have for my house and my husband when I get home.

So, what I'm saying is, stop this "by choice" thing. I'm not judging you for staying home. That's fine with me, if that's what you want to do. I doubt your husband is telling you to stay home, although you're kicking and screaming to get out. But your "choice" of words is a way of putting a defense against those who aren't fighting with you. I'm not going to put down the fact you're home all day. In fact, I am looking at your articles because I don't have time to the trials and errors in cleaning and cooking you've probably already learned and are, therefore, qualified to be writing about!

That is all.

"Honey, I'm Home!"

2009-03-22T23:53:00.002-04:00

I've been on this kick lately of cleaning. Yeah, I've never been an OCD cleaner, but I learned early the easiest way to clean was to pick up after yourself, not letting anything pile up.

Now that we have a home of our own, I forget that there are other things that need to be done that can't be done in the space of 10 minutes after a mess is made. Stuff like Swiffering the floors, mopping, doing a big clean of the bathroom, laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, stuff like that.

I'm now on a mission to become this fabulous 1950s wife. Notice, not a "housewife" as I'm very content having a career. But I want to prove I can do both.

I've been trying to find Web sites that might offer ideas to set this goal in motion. Something along the lines of Donna Reed meets Mary Tyler Moore.

This weekend, my husband invited a friend over for coffee. After going shopping a few days before, I was very pleased I was able to "whip up" a tray of tasty treats while she was hear. Cut strawberries, carrot sticks, celery sticks, crackers, Brie (for goodness sakes, Brie!), grapes and hummus. Oh, it was beautiful. I almost wanted to take a picture. OK, OK, I wanted to wrap it in plastic wrap and put it in the freezer to save for when his mother came over to show off.

That same night, I made a cake. Duncan Hines actually made it, but I mixed it and baked it. That counts. I even took it out of the mold and frosted it! That's an accomplishment, considering whenever we have frosting in the house, my husband gets to it with a spoon before I can bake the cake. I hid it this time so he couldn't.

This morning, he invited his sister and brother-in-law and his parents over for Sunday coffee. Once again, I cut some strawberries and filled a bowl with two yogurts mixed for a dip. Before they came over, I said to him, "Oh, I should serve something..." He gave me a look, and said, "Your WASP side is showing." I've learned to tune that out when I know he doesn't mean the passive-aggressive fighting and backhanded compliments I usually get called out for.

I recently re-read "The Undomestic Goddess" by Sophie Kinsella. Maybe that's what got me in the mood. As I was reading, I wished I had some sort of guidance for setting a schedule that was as effective as a housewife's, but with the ability to work.

And I spent that last half-an-hour searching online for some sort of starting point. But, alas, all I could find was schedules for housewives who wake up at 6 a.m. and don't stop until dinner is done and the dishes are cleaned and put away. But, even if I didn't have an almost unhealthy obsession with Google Reader (the modern day equivalent to soap operas, I guess) or a cat who's become quite the little master of our, er, her domain and is too adorable not to have at least an hour of kitty playtime and affection or terrible reality TV to watch, I still don't think I could pull it off. Well, I'll correct that; I want to be able to pull it all off, making it look absolutely effortless at the same time.

This will be my new project. If only there were something to help me get started...

Plus, I'm out of books to read and I'm itching for another Amazon shopping spree (by "shopping spree", I mean spend $25 so I can get the free shipping).

Sweet Deals

2009-03-16T02:03:00.002-04:00

My online shopping habit has skyrocketed in the past few weeks. Once I signed up for eBay and decided to search for my new love, Bare Escentuals, I was hooked on getting my makeup at a cheaper price (and also hooked on the "thrill" of the auction-action).

This link, fatfingers.com, is a fantastic tool for finding misspellings on eBay items, which, therefore, are sometimes lost on the site and can be bought at a cheaper price.

I'm almost hesitant about giving this link away...but just know if you outbid me on a Bare Escentuals kit I want, well, there's nothing I can really do. (Damn anonymous bidding lists!)

Ahahahahaha!

2009-03-16T01:57:00.002-04:00

My husband and I got completely addicted to "American Idol" this season. We don't want to admit it, but we've been slowly turning into reality show freaks. When Tatiana Del Toro was introduced, I knew I wanted to keep watching her. Honestly, I wanted to see Simon critique her until she cracked into normalcy, but I wanted to watch the process.

I soon realized I actually liked watching her. I soon wanted to see Simon critique her and cut her down, but I didn't want her to change at all. Not to mention, she had a good voice. GOOD voice! Just because she was annoying, I don't think people give her voice enough credit. Even saying "her voice isn't actually terrible" is an understatement. It's powerful as hell. As a very proud Alto, I can completely respect that. My husband, on the other hand, was happy to see her leave, although he was on board with me about her voice.

But, when I found this the other day, I was so excited. This is completely perfect for her.

Last Night's Project

2009-03-15T11:43:00.003-04:00

For the past three weekends, now, I've pulled all-nighters.

Two weeks ago, I came home from a roadtrip to the casino to write a play. I got a good chunk of it written, then I had the people I wrote it for come over to read it. Now I'm being told I need to add a second act, change things around, and add more to it. Needless to say, I haven't worked on it since.

Last week, I found myself in bed reading a home decorating book lent to me, then after two hours of brainstorming ideas to use in my house, I got up and began moving furniture around, killing time until Lowe's and IKEA opened so I could finish my masterpiece of a living room.

From these all-nighters, I developed a cold--or, at least they contributed to getting the cold. Friday night, I was worn out from working and being sink, so I took some NyQuil and went to bed. "Finally," I thought. "The all-nighters are over." Spoke/thought too soon.

Yesterday, I was in the car with one of our friends and stopped at a light. A pre-teen girl walked along the sidewalk with her two younger siblings. And, as my friend called it, as soon as my light turned green, they walked across the street in front of me.

Now, when I was growing up, traffic safety was ingrained in my head. So much so that I am petrified of crossing the street, actually. I not only look both ways, I look up (for falling pianos and anvils), I look down (for open man holes), I look everywhere. This girl did no such thing. So, of course, my friend and I made fun of her.

Somehow, the phrase came out of my mouth, "Get your Valley Bangs now, bitch!" And my friend laughed the rest of the way home. I tried to explain Valley Bangs to him because he never heard the term. (Well, of course not, because I made it up years ago.)

Valley Bangs - (pl. n.) Little wisps of hair cut in the front of one's face. Usually seen curled under. Still embodied in areas of the country that have not left 1987, 1991 or 1994 just yet.

I call them Valley Bangs because it seems whenever I drive through the part of the state we refer to as "the valley", I spot them. I went to a wedding a few years back in that area and they were extra crispy with DEP gel and LA Looks hairspray, no joke!

So, after I got home, I went on a Google Image search, just for a picture or two to show my friend who found the term so hilarious. Pretty soon, though, I had a folder filled with pictures of women (some of them famous, even!) with the horrid look. After collecting 20 or so, I decided to put them into a blog.

For the rest of the night, I kept myself occupied by searching for Valley Bangs and posting them. The blog now has more than 50 pictures of the catastrophes. I even submitted Valley Bangs to urban dictionary to get the term out. What fun is having a word/term if no one knows what it is? Also, the shameless promotion doesn't hurt either.

Valley Bangs

The Reason For Fewer Posts

2009-03-15T11:39:00.004-04:00

I'm so afraid I'm turning into a cat person. That fear has finally subsided; I HAVE turned into a complete cat person. Borderline cat freak. She has a Catbook page, the only pictures on the walls in our living room are mostly of the cat, she is who my husband and I want to see first when we come home. We let her get away with almost everything. We can't stay mad at her for long.

So, I was more afraid my posts would turn into "look what the cat is doing now!", instead of the usual funny stuff. I swear, more will be coming.

How I Get Ready Every Morning

2009-03-04T19:52:00.001-05:00

...or, at least how I will get ready from now on.

Pop vs. Soda vs. Other

2009-02-14T17:08:00.003-05:00

When I went to Minnesota, I found a new species of people. They used the word "pop", which I thought was a term that died off somewere in the radical '70s. But, no, these Minnesotans were shocked I used the word "soda". So, I thought for a second, then asked them to change the name of their state to Minnepop, just because.

LINK

In Case You Weren't One of the Many I Sent This To

2009-02-14T17:02:00.002-05:00

I'll admit, I did the 25 things. And it took me an hour...on a Friday night...in bed...at 9 p.m. (I went out soon after, but if I haven't said it enough, I'm a complete home body.)

LINK

Please Don't Use Craig's List for Personals

2009-02-14T16:59:00.001-05:00

This is why.

Skittles Vodka

2009-02-14T16:56:00.003-05:00

In middle school, I used to mix my Skittles with Sprite. I finally found an adult version!

LINK

I Love Hall & Oates. I Love Batman.

2009-02-14T16:55:00.002-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day to me!

My First Angry Letter

2009-01-19T18:25:00.004-05:00

I never wanted to write an angry letter to a corporation...until today. So, just so I can wake up tomorrow and make sure I actually did it, here's the evidence:

To whom it may concern: I recently heard a radio commercial for your upcoming show "United States of Tara". At first, I thought the idea was in bad taste, but I knew it would capture an audience and make money for you. I'm sure you've already gotten e-mails from those with DID and/or their family members. I don't have any first-hand knowledge of DID to form an opinion based on that. However, when I heard the line "Why can't she be manic depressive like other moms?" come out of what I can only assume to be the main character's stereotypical teenage daughter, I nearly slammed on the brakes on the highway. I understand it's something an uninformed, immature teenager would say. I also believe in the freedom of creative expression. But, I am also a daughter of a manic depressive, and I believe that the hurtfulness of that ignorant statement should be known. It's not easy growing up with a parent with any mental disorder. Making light of it may seem like a good idea, and maybe you were under the impression that if Steven Spielberg put his name on it, it's OK. I've been living for 25 years with a mother who, when I was younger would get so manic, she didn't even know who I was because of the disorder, and as someone who will never have the freedom to fully live my own life because of the obligation to always put my mother first, and as someone who had to grow up mighty fast so I could effectively take care of myself because I didn't have a full-time mother, ever. And, according to her family, I will always be a failure because I just can't give up my life and take care of her the way she needs to be taken care of. Needless to say, I didn't find the line funny, ironic, cute or even written with anyone else in mind except those who stand to profit from this show. As much as I would like to find the humor in the show's premise, I can't after hearing that line. At this time, I will let you know I do not have Showtime. If I do ever think about getting it, that one line will unfortunately stick in my mind as the No. 1 reason not to. Thank you for your time and consideration to this matter. I don't expect a response; in fact I would be somewhat surprised to receive a response written by an actual person, as I know how big your corporation is and how busy you must be. If anything is to come from this e-mail, I hope it's a little more sensitivity to the topic your dealing with (and, as a guilty pleasure for myself, a slap delivered to the teenage daughter with the audacity to say such a stupid comment). Thank you again.

I Am Completely Perpetuating the Stereotype!

2009-01-19T11:39:00.002-05:00

Full List of Stuff White People Like. No, no, I didn't pick them...but I'm not denying that I enjoy almost all of them.

LINK

Woo Woo!

2009-01-19T11:33:00.003-05:00

In case you haven't seen it yet, this is a classic viral video. Bub Rub and Lil Sis are the quotable stars of this masterpiece.

Dude, Whoa...

2009-01-19T11:28:00.003-05:00

I never got into that whole "tripping" scenario. I'm more of a drinker, to be honest. However, I did enjoy going to this site that did make you see things all wonky for a few seconds after following the instructions on the screen. Have fun!

LINK

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

2009-01-10T12:11:00.004-05:00

I meant to post this a few weeks ago...but I was too busy following the recipe:

1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar 1 cup lemon juice 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar…Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup …just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor…

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!!

LINK

Boycott Hugging

2009-01-10T10:39:00.004-05:00

I've decided to give up hugging in 2009. Resolution No. 11. The only person I want to hug unconditionally is my husband. And maybe family, however my dad's side doesn't hug and I like it that way. Lately, every time my husband and I go to the bar, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach because I know I'll be in for a lot of hugging. Maybe it's the theater crowd who usually go, and their inclinations to hug because "none of us got enough love in our childhoods". But I, on the other hand, "could never be a [hugging] person!" This will be a crusade, maybe even a T-shirt I'll make, that will go on all year long.

Reasons:

1. Just because fat people give good hugs doesn't mean we like doing it.

Hugging a fat person is like eating comfort food: we're warm, we're soft, we're squishy, we're full of carbs and cheese. But that doesn't mean we like doing it.

2. A smile and maybe a wave will suffice.

I saw you come in, don't worry. I'm aware of your presence. I will greet you accordingly.

3. A hug is just a cheap thrill for people in need of being touched.

Get a significant other. Or a puppy.

4. A line usually forms. No one likes lines.

What are you, the DMV? I have to wait in line to hug you? Forgive me for not rushing to do so right away.

5. Some people take it a little too far.

A hug, I can tolerate. What next? We'll become European and kiss on both cheeks? Hell, why don't we put together little beds and have sex as a way of greeting!

6. Maybe I don't like you that much.

OK, this is on the cruel side, I know. But, let's face it, in everybody's circle of friends, there are the people that are inevitable that you can't really get rid of completely. And, in order to keep the sanctity of the group, all must hug or else the drama will start.

7. "Didn't I just see you yesterday?"

Honestly, I can understand hugging if you haven't seen the person in a while. But, every time? I see most of these people on a semi-regular basis. Must the hugging insanity continue?

8. Spot the fake hug.

What's the point of giving hugs at all when there are so many so-called huggers who phone it in? There are the huggers who stick their asses out for all to see, as if they needed another excuse to do so. There are the one handed huggers who could care less (they should be the first to jump on my bandwagon). There are the bros with the handshake/backslap hug. Just admit it: you're not hugging people either!

9. Dress appropriately.

Don't come to me in the middle of January, wearing some Forever 21 skanky shirt and think you deserve a hug. I could show off the goods too, you know--although, Forever 21 hasn't made a shirt that accents my "sparkling personality" yet. But layers should be appreciated and implemented.

10. Ask yourself: "Do I really need a hug?"

Your dog died. Hug. You got into a car accident. Hug. You're just in a bit of a funk. Hug. Sometimes, you just need a hug. And that's FINE. When that happens, give me a call and I'll be the first in line to smother you with my carbs-and-cheesey goodness. There are reasons for hugs, but the overuse of hugs is just getting a little too redundant for me, thank you.

I am looking into the prospect of making this a national campaign, don't worry. boycotthugging.org is not a taken domain, just in case anyone would like to take this to the web, hint, hint. For now, however, I'll just wait for the facebook groups to start...

Top 10 Discoveries of 2008

2009-01-04T21:51:00.007-05:00

iGoogle

At first, I was resigned to be completely against Google's insistence I sign up for iGoogle. I was happy having my simple Google search as my home page. Finally, I relented...and haven't looked back since. At first, it was the themes that got me. Then I began playing around with gadgets, then adding my other technological discoveries to my page, and now it seems I have the perfect iGoogle page, complete with a post-it note I update with projects from work so I have it at my fingertips. igoogle.com

Dropbox

I hated having certain pictures and documents only available to me on certain computers. And I never remembered to e-mail myself files I would need between home and work. Finally, I downloaded Dropbox, an online archive of files that are easily accessible to any computer you happen to sign onto. This is especially useful for the random pictures I'll find at work and put into the folder "Work Pictures", which I'll forget about, but get a smile whenever I open at home. https://www.getdropbox.com/

Blogger

Finally, somewhere to put the many thoughts I have during my two hours in the car by myself every day, going to-and-from work. blogger.com

Bare Escentuals

I was never one to buy real makeup. My cousin gave me some Cover Girl one Christmas when I was younger and I never thought I needed anything else. Soon, I was old enough to buy my own makeup, but I never really wore it except for special occasions. Then I got into the habit of putting it on in the car before work. For my wedding, I was convinced by one of my bridesmaids to go to Macy's and get Mac. Well, what I found out about Mac was it was invented by a drag queen, which I thought was funny. Then, I found out on our honeymoon how, even though the coverage was great, my pores were not as "fabulous" as they should. I blamed it on the Hawaii humidity, but I knew it was the makeup that made me break out. Soon after, my friend turned me onto Bare Minerals. I was hesitant at first to spend $50 on the starter kit, but she guaranteed it would take me weeks to even see a dent in it. To its credit, I went through the foundation in about three months, but I still have most of my original warmer and mineral powder, plus it came with the brushes. Soon, my breakouts were few and far between, and I was getting actual compliments on my skin--people thought it was naturally flawless. I thought Mac had great coverage, but B.E. was even better. And, after buying the first kit, I was buying the eye kits, and getting even more compliments--even from my Mac-obsessed bridesmaid! www.bareescentuals.com

Google Reader

I began a morning ritual when I got to work, before I could really start working. I would check my e-mail; post my schedule on my iGoogle page; print out what I needed to work on for the day; check Mental_Floss and woosk; get a few pages done, then take another surfing break; check Dumb Little Man, Zen Habits, bits and pieces; do some more work; have lunch and surf some more, checking Miss Cellania, Cracked, Lovely Listings, Cake Wrecks; get back to work; take another break and check Vanity Plates, Fail Blog, MakeUseOf, Baby Squared (my cousin's awesome blog about her twins) Lifehacker; finish any work I need to; check Listropolis , Stepcase Lifehack, 43 Folders, Indexed; make sure I have whatever I need done for the next day.

Basically, I had gotten addicted to blog reading throughout the day. Of course, I would put work first, but I also never had a spare moment when I wasn't checking my blogs...I turned into the equivalent of one of those women who can't miss her "stories". Ironically, if you'll notice, a lot of the blogs I read are productivity blogs. Even though they all recommended Google Reader, I didn't think I read enough blogs to constitute needing Reader. I did have most of these blogs in separate Gadgets on my iGoogle page, but soon I wanted to simplify my page, so I succumbed to Google Reader. Now that I have it, it takes me maybe 10 minutes in the morning to go through the posts I've missed, and I don't have to worry about having to remember Web addresses, missing anything, or going through two weeks of posts because I've temporarily forgotten about the blog. Pretty soon, I was finding the RSS feed on every Web page I visiting, and adding it to my Reader. Now, I'll sign on in the morning and have at least 60 news posts to keep me busy in the morning, and more throughout the day. Imagine how much fun I've had on my vacation when I haven't been on the computer as much. www.google .com/reader

Baby Wipes

On one of my many blogs, I read about the makeup removing benefits of using baby wipes. I've fallen in love with Huggies All Natural wipes for my face. There are so many mornings (more than I'd like to admit) I wake up too late for a full face wash and grab the wipes and go.

Suction Wine Stopper

Out of habit of my single days, I still buy the big bottles of wine, even though I've gotten to the point where I'm good after two glasses a week, as opposed to two glasses an hour after a hard day of work. We registered for a Rabbit wine opener kit that came with suction wine stoppers and I thought keeping wine fresh days longer was just swell! I still have a bottle from Christmas eve that I know will be just as good when I unstop it.

Jott

I'll remember random to-do items at the wrong time, like when I'm driving, or when I'm halfway through something else or when I just don't have a pencil or piece of paper to write it down. So I started using Jott a few months ago. It's great, I'll set up text message reminders, to-do lists, alarms, all from my cell phone or computer (or, of course, from my iGoogle page). I have my dentist appt. today, which I wouldn't have remembered if I didn't Jott it six months ago. http://jott.com UPDATE: As of Feb. 1, Jott will no longer be offering a free service, once they are out of BETA testing. Hhmph!

American Heart Association Low-Fat Low-Cholesterol Cookbook

Because of my dad's medical history, my cholesterol was recently tested, although I didn't expect to have anything wrong with it. When I got the call saying it was on the high side of normal, I decided to lower it. When I looked in the dietary cookbook section of the bookstore, it seemed most diet books cared more about high protein/high fat/low carb diets (idiots) than about heart health in general. I finally found the shelf with the AHA books and sighed in relief. When I saw this cookbook, I picked it up and went to the kitchen right away (after spending an absurd amount of money at the grocery store...because we had a lot of junk in our fridge, and not enough good stuff). After cooking three dishes and packing them into easy-to-grab Gladware, I began the "diet". Before I knew it, I was losing weight without trying. None of the dishes are more than 400 calories, so I finally found the secret to staying on a 1,200 calorie diet and feeling satisfied. Plus, I get to accomplish my resolution of cooking more. Oh, and the Spinach Stuffed Pizza was AMAZING. Even my husband liked it! (Note: I have the 2nd edition, however the link provided is for a more recent version.) Amazon.com

Gmail

Come on, if you haven't signed up for Gmail yet, what are you waiting for? Oh, sure, I had Yahoo! as my e-mail account for ages, but once I switched to Gmail, my e-mails because much easier to handle and deal with, plus, I've noticed a lot less spam. mail.google.com

Sometimes, Only Nagging Works.

2009-01-02T13:57:00.002-05:00

To help me stay on track with my resolutions, I've set up annoying e-mail reminders, via hassleme.co.uk. I will probably read them for three weeks, then unsubscribe, but you never know...

The Annual 10

2009-01-02T00:26:00.003-05:00

...Yes, yes, I'm back after a very busy month. I kept myself away from my blog because I have been busy all month making (almost) all of my Christmas presents in December. And every time I wanted to blog, it would be about something I made, and I didn't want to give anything away.

But, now that that's over, I'll do my holiday bragging in the next few posts.

This post will contain my annual 10 Resolutions of 2009.

Every year, I don't just make one resolution; I make 10. Usually, I can get myself to accomplish at least one, no matter how small. But in looking at 2008, I realized that unless I write them down somewhere, I forget what they are and I can't track my progress. At least in 2006, I wrote them down and was able to follow just one: I was going to get into the habit of using my shoe rack (I told you they were small), and I did it! And, in 2007, I wanted to read more. And, had I not had all those bridal magazines, I probably wouldn't have done as well as I did! So, here's to the shoe rack and bridal magazine resolutions of 2009!

1. Lose 20 lbs.

I say that every year. No, really, I do. And every year, I look at the scale December 31st and smile anyway. Because I know in the fluctuations of my weight, if all the numbers were totalled up, I probably lost more than 20 lbs. ...However, in totalling these numbers, I probably gained more than 20 lbs., as well. One of these years, I'm going to have to add "...and keep it off!" to the end of that resolution. Maybe I'll do that next year.

2. Write More

Hell, I started this blog for a reason. I like my thoughts, I think other people should hear them (or, read them, in this case). Oh, and I'm not allowed to count Twitter as writing.

3. Keep Better Track of My Finances

As I was writing that resolution, I remembered the organizer I spend $20 on last year to become more organized. And, in my January 1st panic of "Holy sh*t, I'm getting married this year!!!", I was able to get tons of information I needed for my planner. After July, however, the planner was only used on occasion (mainly to check when my next paycheck was coming in). I may not get another huge planner, but at least I'll try to stay organized.

4. Write My Wedding Thank You Cards

Yes, yes, I know it's been five months. But, if anyone says anything, I will gladly send them a photocopy of my carefully preserved Emily Post column that states couples have a year to send out thank you cards. I thought, for a while, because I wrote all the shower thank you cards, my husband could write the ones for the wedding. Ah, the lessons of marriage.

5. Cook More

This is my project-resolution. I really don't mind cooking. In fact, when I cook, I find I don't overeat because by the time it's ready, I'll have looked at it for so long, I'm bored with it and not hungry. I just haven't been cooking very much because of time (excuse), convenience of delivery (a little closer to the truth), I'm afraid (ding! ding! ding!). Yeah, I'm afraid of cooking. I get very anxious when I have a time constraint put on cooking. Basically, we cook/order food when we're hungry. We don't think ahead to start preparing something before the fact. So, I have this fear if I screw up dinner and there's nothing to eat, I've failed. Also, I have mini food fears. I worry I haven't cooked chicken all the way through and my husband will get salmonella and die. I worry I won't know if the milk has gone bad and my husband will get a stomachache and die. I worry the heat from the oven will get too hot, pieces of glass from the casserole dish will break off into the food, and my husband will eat it and it'll rip up his stomach and he'll die. ...Basically, I worry about killing my husband with food. But, this year, I'm determined to get in the kitchen and at least get dinner ready a few nights a week...and overcooked the chicken, buy new milk every day, and watch those tricky casserole dishes the whole time they're in the oven. (A friend suggested I have a few drinks before I cook. That might work, too.)

6. Take A Class

I hate to admit it to my "Mom-I-don't-feel-so-well-I-think-I-should-stay-home" self, but I miss school. I wondered for a while if it was the social aspect of it, and I realized it really wasn't (more on that later). I wondered if it was the changing schedule I enjoyed, but then remembered the nights I would get out of class and work six more hours, wishing I had a nice 9-to-5. I was shocked when I found myself looking for park & rec classes one day while I was at work. I realized, that's what I wanted; I needed a new skill to practice (other than not killing my husband with my cooking).

Because I hinted very heavily to my husband that I wanted a sewing machine for Christmas (and he got the hint!!!), I realized within the first few days of trying to use it that I only remember a few basics from home ec in middle school. I remembered how to thread the machine (well, more like I remembered how to read the instructions that comes with something before attempting anything with it), and I was able to get a few stitches down. My first project was two napkins I sewed together. I ran out to show my husband, saying, "Look what I made, honey! I made 2-ply!" He didn't find it as funny as I did, and said, "I better not have paid for a sewing machine so you can make us fancier paper napkins."

The next day, I went to the fabric store, got a pattern for pajama pants (easy, right?) and some flannel and got to work. However, once I cut the pattern and began piecing together what I had, I realized I had made a dire mistake: I hasn't flipped the pattern over and I had two left legs and no leftover fabric. That night, I looked up a sewing class I could take for a few weeks, and I plan to sign up as soon as registration opens.

7. Weed Out People I Don't Need In My Life

There are just too many people I feel guilt over not talking to, and I'm too busy worrying about the ones that I do talk to who just aggravate me. Personally, I was never one for giving up friendships, and I had to do a lot of editing and categorizing when I was making the guest list for my wedding. But, it's gotten to the point in a lot of relationships I have with people that I've realized I actually do not like spending time with them. Granted, my husband and I have become homebodies in the past few months, but I wouldn't mind occasionally going out, if I knew there would be a good conversation to go out to. So, to do a spin off of Bridget Jones, I will not [put up with relationships with] any of the following: alcoholics, snobaholics, everything-phobics, people with baggage or hangups, Me-Me-Me-Me-sogynists, dramalomaniacs, raging maniacs, shallow-ists, complete fuckwits or freeloaders, converts. (Read the book, you'll get the reference; the movie doesn't do it justice.)

8. Drink More Water

I think this is the third year in a row I've said this. I just don't like the taste of it! It's boring! Don't tell me to put a lemon in it, either. I went through a very long phase in college where that was all I drank, partly for financial reasons and partly because of some myth I heard about it speeding up metabolism. But I got sick of it really quickly. Once people were used to hearing me order it that way, and ordering it for me before I got to the table, I realized I was over it. But, for me to really drink more water, I just have to drink one cup a day. Seriously, that's how little water I drink now! It's surprising I've rarely been dehydrated.

9. Moisturize

As much as I hate to admit it, I've gotten to the age when I need to moisturize more. And, as the saying I heard five years ago echoes in my head, "once you realize you should be moisturizing, you're already five years too late".

10. Reconnect With The Single Me

In a few days, I'll find out if my husband is being sent overseas for a year again. When I heard about the 90 percent chance, I was a mess. A whole year. And he would be leaving shortly after our anniversary, not to mention the two months prior he would be spending in training in Texas. I kept waiting for the little voice inside of me to say, "I can't go on without him," but somewhere I think a part of me is squashing that. There's still a part of me I thought I wouldn't have to use again, but I'm glad it stuck around. It was the part that says, "If you can't live without someone else, you're not really living you're own life." I loved being single. And not in a sense of single-without-strings or anything like that, I enjoyed my own company, I could spend a week alone in my old apartment completely on my own schedule. It may sound selfish, but I look at some of my single friends who are constantly trying to make themselves into other people, just to get attention. I never thought doing that would land any sort of security and real love, so I was content to do what I wanted to do.

Of course, I hope that 10 percent chance does happen. There's a difference between can't live without someone and not wanting to with one's whole heart. But, in preparation for worst case scenario, I want to know I'll be able to deal with not seeing the love of my life every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed. If there was a resolution I have the most faith in keeping, it would be this one.

Happy new year, readers!

(And, for those of you who have given up on resolutions, or have already broken yours, here's an article on why resolutions don't work...clearly, these people haven't made 10 of them each year!)

There's An Off Button For A Reason

2008-11-25T21:25:00.005-05:00

My husband tonight made the romantic gesture of handing me the remote when I got home from work. He was working on grading some papers, and in a tiff we had last night, I brought up the fact that I never got the remote. Once the "power" was handed to me, we went out to dinner, but when we got back, I settled into the chair and left the remote right where I left it. I went online and started looking at the things I wouldn't normally look at while I'm at work. He settled on the couch with his book. No one reached for the remote at all. We just sat in silence for about an hour with our respective forms of entertainment and it was heaven!

When I was younger, I was glued to the television. I read that statistic about the average adolencent watching three hours of television a day...and I realized I was "above average". I would get home from school and I had my schedule of programming from the time I got home to the time I went to bed all planned out. Weekends was nothing but television, from Friday night TGIF on ABC to Saturday night SNICK on Nickelodeon to Sunday night Nick at Nite. I would only fake sick until I was tired of trying to find something good on daytime television. And summer vacations started to get real tiring around August when there was nothing but reruns on.

When I was first learning to read, my mom got me the book "The Berenstain Bears and Too Much TV." Admittedly, I would read that from time to time as I grew older (when I realized I was bored with television, but couldn't think of something better to do). Basically, Mama Bear decided her family had been spending too much time in front of the television, so she turned it off for a week. The bears had to find other means of entertaining themselves. At the end, they were involved in other hobbies that once TV was no longer banned, they didn't want it. So I tried the experiment a few times throughout the years.

Usually, I realized how slow time moved without the TV. I realized I had to check the clock more often because I didn't have my usual schedule as a time-marker. (5:05-6:05 on TBS, "Saved by the Bell" was always my benchmark for when my homework should be done by...if I did it, that is.)

I learned how to knit, I taught myself basic sign language, I read all 32 of my collection of "The Baby-Sitters Club" books a few times, I memorized the order of birthstones, I looked up random words in the dictionary and tried to memorize them so I could impress people, I went through an entire cookbook of microwave recipes (and learned to always mix in baking soda really well when making brownies...blegh!), I made Creepy Crawlers, I played kickball with the neighbors, I played Mario Paint (I didn't count that as television for some reason), I listened to music with my dad, I taught myself multiplication (no, really, I did--I was in the bathroom and decided I wanted to learn and figured it out with the help of a calculator I brought in with me...I really was a weird child).

But, sooner or later, I'd go back to television. I was, however, trained very well in the art of turning the television off. I wasn't allowed to fall asleep to it, either. It was off at 10 when I went to bed. If I tried to turn it on, my mom would see that glowing blue light from under my door and yell at me to turn it off. This love of the television is still the reason today I don't like really crunchy foods. See, I had a television with an actual volume knob you had to get up to adjust, so I only ate chewy foods that I could hear the TV over, instead of loud crunching. Many Cheetos were sucked upon until they were the correct consistency to hear over...or I would simply suck all the cheese off, then throw the corn puffs away.

In high school, I didn't have a TV in my room. I watched Jeopardy in the living room with my mom and grandma with our little TV trays, or I would watch the TV in my mom's room. But that was also when the internet started to take off, so I had new and different entertainment to keep me satisfied.

Once I got to college, I had to extrovert myself a little, so the TV was out of the picture pretty much...until I discovered DDR, which, again, does not count as television. Once I moved back home, I had a TV in my room again, but I didn't feel the need to watch it a lot. Maybe a movie now and then, but that was about it. I was too busy being social and working.

Then came the summer of nightmares. Almost every night for an entire month before my junior year of college, I was having terrible nightmares. These were nightmares that made me wake up screaming, crying, sweating, panting, you name it. And it wasn't all monsters and stuff, it was nightmares about things happening to my family, friends or, the scariest of them, my future children. That was when I started falling asleep to the Disney Channel. Nothing bad happened on the Disney Channel. I could hear it during the nightmares and I was able to concentrate on it enough to wake myself up before a dream turned into a nightmare.

For the next five months, I couldn't sleep without it on. I remember wanting to so badly, too, but every time I would turn it off and lay in the darkness, I would get mini-anxiety attacks worrying about having nightmares and not being able to wake up when I wanted to.

Once January hit, though, I made it my New Year's Resolution to fall asleep without the television. If, for nothing else, so I could get a good night's sleep and not be on edge the whole night with background noise. One night turned into two, which turned into a week, and, before I knew it, I had gone a few months turning out my light, turning off the TV, and falling asleep.

Since then, the TV has been sort of like a pair of earrings that don't necessarily go with everything, but there are a few key outfits that look great with them. If that didn't make sense to you (I realized I could come up with a better analogy if I really thought about it), television went back to being a sometimes thing.

My husband, however, loves the TV. When I lived with him and his parents, it was very rare I came home to a turned off television. It got to the point where I could here the buzz from just the television being on, even if it was on mute, and it would give me a headache. Sometimes I have evil fantasies about my husband coming home and finding the television stolen, just so I can walk in the door to him. Not "him sitting on the couch watching TV", not "him sitting with his laptop, not even watching the TV, but it's still on", not "him shushing my until a commercial break"--just "him".

So, tonight was a real nice night for me, it really was. He's now in the other room and I can hear a clock ticking and his sighs of tiredness every so often. And it's the most relaxing sound I can think of to listen to.

Oh, and this was the inspiration to finally write about my anti-TV ways I thought were crazy.

Just In Time For The Holidays

2008-11-25T21:17:00.003-05:00

Make your own gift tags.

Web site

Is It Just Me?

2008-11-23T12:32:00.002-05:00

Or is MySpace becoming a thing of the past? I've seen two bulletins from friends this week, saying they were going to delete their MySpace pages because they never use it. Granted, that Facebook feed was annoying at first, but seeing all those changes it kind of nice (especially for stalking purposes...which I've given up, I swear).

I won't join those giving up MySpace just yet (because you never know when Facebook will be down or something). But I'm just wondering if we're going to see MySpace as a fad in a few years, something our children will write history papers on, or something we'll look back on in our old age.

If My Mom Used The Inter-Web...

2008-11-23T12:19:00.002-05:00

...this article would completely apply to her.

Whistling Puppy!

2008-11-23T12:12:00.000-05:00

Just so cute! (Read: Completely wood-chipper worthy!)

Forgotten Link!

2008-11-23T11:22:00.002-05:00

I haven't looked at this Web site in quite some time, mostly because it hasn't been updated in years. But when I found it in college, I loved it, but then I read everything.

However, one of my favorite SYW (So You Wanna) articles was on how to speak with an Irish accent. I was speaking with an Irish accent for three days uncontrollably after reading the SYW.

Free? I Love Free!

2008-11-23T09:59:00.005-05:00

After my husband and I paid our mortgage for the month and I paid for my car to be fixed (hmph!), we realized that for the next two weeks, we are broke. Oh, so broke. So anything we can get for free, we will.

Thank goodness for Gun N' Roses (stupid band, doesn't know how to use an apostrophe correctly). Dr Pepper (another punctuationally-inept company) promised everyone in the United States a free can of the carbonated deliciousness, but only if you register today.

Of course, everyone wants a free Dr Pepper, hense the site is extremely slow to load today. I'm still waiting for the coupon page to load.

So, WHY is Dr Pepper giving away a free can? (And why are so many people excited about this when they can go to Wal-Mart and get a can of Dr. Thunder for 35 cents?)

Well, I don't really care about the reason, but it has something to do with the release of Guns N' Roses CD that's been 10 years in the making. And some corporate guy at Dr Pepper said something to the effect of "Well, if it's done in 2008, I'll be shocked. I'll give away a can of Dr Pepper to everyone in the United States." And Guns N' Roses must like it when they can stick it to the man...or something like that. I don't know how anti-establishment GNR are.

But, let's examine this apostophe catastrophe in Guns N' Roses name for a bit. Now, when you use an apostrophe in shortening a word, the apostrophe stands in place of letters missing. If Guns N' Roses wanted to really be short for Guns And Roses, the apostrophes would be on EITHER SIDE of the "N".

e.g. Guns 'N' Roses. (which, if we were looking at capitalization, would stand for Guns aNd Roses, I guess)

If the apostrophe we before the "N", the band name would mean Guns iN Roses. Hhhmmm. Glad they didn't go for that, I guess.

However, GNR used just one apostrophe after the "N", but clearly they're trying to make the bands name sound like they're saying "and" with the N'. But, if we bent the grammar rules a bit, the apostrophe could stand for anything. However, there are very few two-letter words that begin with N. I can only think of "No".

So, with that theory, GNR would stand for Guns No Roses. HOWEVER, if that were the case, Guns N' Roses forgot one more peice of important punctuality: a comma! Technically, it should be Guns, No Roses.

So, there you go!

Sorry, it really sucks knowing these rules sometimes. It's like, why did these rules have to stick in my brain, but no one else's? And I understand creative freedom to name a band whatever one wants...but, come on! It's wrong!

And now I'll get off my soapbox and leave ranting about the desecration of the English language for some other post.

...free Dr Pepper! Still waiting for the page to load...

I Rule The World!

2008-11-15T20:40:00.004-05:00

OK, so just a small country...OK, I lied, a small country on the Internet...OK, OK, it's fictional!

No, it's not Online Risk. (Ooh, I should look that up once I'm drunk with Internet-induced power!) I could never play that anyway. It's built up too much in my mind, I wouldn't want disappointment.

Anyway, I re-discovered NationStates, a nice daily game in which you rule your own country. You ge a question every week day to answer for your country. The question usually involves a law to pass or reject (or they have an ignore button for the lazy politician). But the great thing is, once you decide on what position to take with the law, the country changes. The tiniest decision has the ability to make a huge impact on the country in ways you might not think. And, because laws are passed and put into effect overnight, the next day, the country has already changed. It's kind of a fun thing to watch.

I was into it a few years ago, but I ended up forgetting my password and never bothering to find it again, so my country was deleted after 28 days of inactivity. (Don't worry, there's a vacation mode for when you can't handle issues right away).

But, they've also updated the site with a RSS feed that you can use for your countries issues and telegrams, so now I have it right on my Google Reader.

By the way, if you happen to join and want to say "Hi", I'm the Empire of WhyLime.

Of Course This Takes Place in Vermont...

2008-11-15T13:55:00.002-05:00

Real. Life. Quidditch.

(Need I say more?)

LINK

Almost As Bad As Giving A Child A Peanut!

2008-11-15T10:54:00.003-05:00

Sunny days! The earliest episodes of “Sesame Street” are available on digital video! Break out some Keebler products, fire up the DVD player and prepare for the exquisite pleasure-pain of top-shelf nostalgia.

Just don’t bring the children. According to an earnest warning on Volumes 1 and 2, “Sesame Street: Old School” is adults-only: “These early ‘Sesame Street’ episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today’s preschool child.”

LINK

I Love Ricky Gervais

2008-11-15T10:51:00.000-05:00

Reason No. 374

Font Conference

2008-11-15T09:03:00.003-05:00

I have a thing for serifs. I could stare at serifs all day. If I saw a magazine with just pictures of letters with serifs, I'd buy it, rip out the pictures and (hopefully included) poster and hang them all on my walls, kissing them before I went to bed. I think it's the inner journalism dork in me I can't suppress.

(If you don't know what a serif is... This is typed with serifs; this is not. Notice there are no little extra lines on each letter -- kind of like "nubbins" that are missing on the sans serif text.)

But, I think even if you aren't as into fonts as I am, you'll still enjoy this video.

Creating the Perfect Mix CD

2008-11-12T19:26:00.005-05:00

There are few days I get in the car, put my iPod on Shuffle, and never have to skip a song. Let's face it, because it's on an iPod filled with hundreds of other songs you like more, the skip feature becomes so convenient. But, sometimes fate seems to give me the Perfect Mix Playlist.

Now that I have my iTunes almost back to what it was before half my music was deleted and the other half was mislabeled, I've started making Mix CDs for people.

Whenever I talk to those people again, I always hear, "You make the best Mix CDs!" And I realized that not everyone must do that, or else they wouldn't be comparing my skills at making a Mix CD.

Now, as much as I love my John Cusack movies, I have to say the book "High Fidelity" made it seem like a little too much of a process: To me, making a tape is like writing a letter — there's a lot of erasing and rethinking and starting again. A good compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do. You've got to kick off with a corker, to hold the attention (I started with "Got to Get You Off My Mind", but then realized that she might not get any further than track one, side one if I delivered what she wanted straightaway, so I buried it in the middle of side two), and then you've got to up it a notch, or cool it a notch, and you can't have white music and black music together, unless the white music sounds like black music, and you can't have two tracks by the same artist side by side, unless you've done the whole thing in pairs and...oh, there are loads of rules.

I have one simple rule (and the following are more like suggestions): If you want to skip to the next song half-way through, there's a good chance the other person will too.

So, here are my "secrets". The absolute way of making the mix CD personal and random is to think of the Reaction to each song.

The New
Pick one or two songs from your library that you feel your friend will like, but you have a good feeling they've never heard of them. Or, take your favorite song from a lesser-known band to put on there. Reaction: "Who was that who sang that song that went 'Let's Get Moving Into Action'? I really liked it!" This will open up this person to the song, and hopefully the artist, giving you something else in common.

The Ballad
No, don't think I'm necessarily talking Delilah-type music. People get enough of that just waiting on hold for businesses. Some of the best types of ballads are done by artists who aren't necessarily the top thought when it comes to ballads. Reaction: "Oh, I forgot Guns N' Roses sang this song! I had my first dance with a girl to 'November Rain'!" Another option is a lesser-known ballad from an artist who does a little bit of everything. Extra points if it was featured in a favorite movie, but no one really knows the title. Reaction: "Finally! That song toward the end of 'Almost Famous' I never knew the name of! ... Once I listened to it, I still couldn't believe it was the Beach Boys!"

The Television Theme
It's short. It may only take up a minute, if that. Bonus points if you're picking a television theme from your youth. Reaction: "I can't believe you put the theme from 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' on there. The funny thing is, I probably haven't watched it in ages, and I still knew all the words! ... Except for that lost verse they never played on TV except in the pilot episode."

The Megamix
No, not necessarily the "Grease Megamix", however if that's the only one you have, just remember you can only give this person one Mix CD until you have acquired more. Not everyone like the concept of the megamix, though. If you have a feeling the person receiving the Mix CD is a real stickler for the real deal, start with something a little less Megamix-cherry-popping. Reaction: "So, yeah, putting Eminem's 'The Real Slim Shady' to the background from Britney Spears' 'Oops! I Did It Again' was actually genius! I can't believe it synced up so well!"

The Embarrassment
Sounds weird, I know. But, hey, if you own it, you might as well know that once you give the CD away, someone else will have it in their collection. Surprisingly, it's those little things that makes the person want more. Reaction: "You put 'Under The Sea' from 'The Little Mermaid' on my mix? I can't believe you even own that. ... No, don't get me wrong, OF COURSE I listened to it! It made my commute seem to go faster because I couldn't believe I now have have a CD with it."

The Nostalgic
Think back to the period in your life music really made a "difference". In every decade or generation, there are those years, roughly around 10-15, in which music felt like it was life changing. All of a sudden, you wanted to spend your allowance on CDs from artists you knew your parents probably wouldn't have approved of. It was the moment you started getting spoon fed the saccharine shit MTV and pop radio stations thought you should hear at least 10 times a day. You and your friends started buying "Bop" and other fan magazines, just to look at pictures of these pretty boys, who you never admitted couldn't sing a fucking note, but knew how to sell it. Yeah, throw one of those on the CD. Seriously! Reaction: "I never thought I would hear 'The Sign' again! God, we had great music back then. We really did. Not like the shit kids are listening to now."

The Shit
Yup. Just for even more fun, add the "shit kids are listening to now". Just because you know down in your soul, you wish you still had the ignorance they do. Reaction: "I hate to admit it, but I'm glad you put 'SOS' on there. It's my guilty pleasure. ... Don't tell anyone I said that!" Warning: You only get ONE. No more! More than one puts your CD in the TOOL category.

The Drinking Song
If there's a song that would bring up memories of a drunken trip to Vermont, the first night both of you sang karaoke, the movie you two watched and made a drinking game to, or decided after last call that neither of you could go home until you belted your lungs out to a certain song, it goes on the CD. Reaction: "I don't care how many times I hear 'Sweet Caroline', I still never get sick of shouting 'So good! So good! So good!' Just listening to it made me want vodka and 180, even though I swore the next morning I would never touch those again."

The Personal Favorite(s)
This is a two-parter. You pick your favorite song you know the other person knows you like. Reaction: "Yeah, I knew that one was coming. Not that I don't mind hearing Prince whenever I can." Next, you pick a favorite song of the recipient. Reaction: "Yeah, I knew that one was coming. When will you get over Dexys Midnight Runners?"

The Comeback Song
I grew up listening to oldies. It was actually more of a personal choice than one made by my parents for me. What bothers me are the songs I loved and no one heard of featured in some ridiculous commercial, followed by everyone deciding they loved the song now. Needless to say, I wanted to boycott Gap for a long time. Now, with YouTube favorites and Internet memes, even more songs have a chance to make comebacks. Eh, put it in. They might as well listen to the whole song, rather than sing the two lines people only know. Reaction: "I can't believe you Rick-Rolled me via mix CD!"

The Unknown
This category includes one-hit wonders, fantastic songs by forgettable bands and covers by bands who perform them better than the original. Reaction: "Who the hell are The Hippos? That cover they did of 'Always Something There To Remind Me' is fantastic! Did they do anything else? Actually, who did the original?" Note: Naked Eyes did the version most people think is the "original". It was actually written by Burt Bacharach and Hal David in 1960. Dionne Warwick was the recording artist that brought it to the charts.

And there you have it!

If you have time leftover, add some fillers; double up on the suggestions (EXCEPT THE SHIT CATEGORY!); shuffle it around until you're satisfied; and listen to it the whole way through, keeping the Reactions in mind. And get ready for requests to make more!

Bargain Shopping

2008-11-09T20:19:00.003-05:00

So, normally I don't shop online. In fact, I hate it. But lately, I've had sort of an itch for it...and I've been bored at work and trust shopping on a Mac more (even if it is a work computer).

Anyway, I found a GREAT jewelry site. Well, actually, most of the time they put up citrine or smoky quartz, but when they put up amythyst or aquamarine, I'm all over it. I read the comments from people, saying whenever they wore the jewelry, they were complimented. And, god damn, it's true!

I just got my first piece (If my husband is reading, I only ordered two things! I swear!) after waiting a week and a half. But, here's the thing: the jewelry is FREE. The shipping is $6.99. If you order a necklace, the chain is an extra $4.99, but that's nothing. Plus, I know I can get cheaper chains and different ones at the craft store if I want.

I would post a picture, but I couldn't get my camera to focus on it well enough.

The available jewelry is changed on the site every few minutes. It's fantastic. I love keeping it open in the background at work and checking it every so often.

So, without further ado...THE LINK!

Oh Dear...

2008-11-09T10:39:00.001-05:00

Random fun. Love this song, too.

Dig It

2008-11-08T16:14:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I regret showing my husband cool things...he then goes nuts with them, along with the rest of our friends. Palinaspresident was quoted constantly. And, for some reason, the word "Maverick" has become the new term for EVERYONE.

Luckily, I can turn him onto older things as well. So, when "Grazing in the Grass" came on the radio one night and I started singing along, he wanted to learn it too. When it was on my iPod last night, he tried again to learn it. He has since downloaded it and looked up the lyrics. We now know that the lyrics are:
I can dig it, he can dig it
She can dig it, we can dig it
They can dig it, you can dig it
Oh, let's dig it
Can you dig it, baby
I can dig it, he can dig it
She can dig it, we can dig it
They can dig it, you can dig it
Oh, let's dig it
Can you dig it, baby

Pixel Me!

2008-11-08T13:06:00.007-05:00

Growing up, I loved Mario Paint for Super Nintendo. Needless to say, I've been having fun with this link for a while now.

Can't Help Laughing

2008-11-08T12:42:00.004-05:00

I love cats, I really do. And, of course, I felt bad for laughing at this.

Dude Gets Revenge on Cat Sleeping on His Car

null - Watch more free videos

But, it's still fantastic.

Ken Lee!

2008-11-08T12:37:00.002-05:00

In case you've been living under a rock for the past year...

(Always quoted at bar nights.)

Let's NOT Do The Time Warp Again

2008-11-08T12:01:00.008-05:00

Oh, look what MTV's got their filthy little mitts on now.

stoptheremake.com

I will not sign a petition, however. If they pick someone good for Frank N. Furter, I'll put it on my DVR. Someone like Perez Hilton or Patricia Arquette or...Miley Cyrus!

Quick opinion on the status of MTV: It's turned into the grandmother of television. When my generation first got a glimpse of the neon logo flashing in seizure-like fashion, we embraced it for its edge. We watched college kids on their spring break, half of them hot little numbers showing off their bodies, the other half sporting flannel shirts and Birkenstocks to the beach. We watched seven strangers who, holy crap, were actually very different and could get along, for the most part. We watched HOURS of music videos. We had special relationships with our VJs (I still love you, Kennedy!). We were taught and disciplined in the way of a revival of rock. (Yes, I consider the '90s a revival of sorts.) And, every once in a while, we would catch episodes of "Beavis Butt-Head" and, during the beginning of the end, the quick, but powerful, rise and fall of "Daria". And I know I'm not the only one who played along to "Singled Out"...but that was only to kill that half-an-hour before more music videos would introduce me to Pearl Jam, Counting Crows, Aerosmith, Blind Mellon and whatever else I have stored on my iPod and consider "nostalgia".

By the time "seven strangers" turned into "seven of the same people who like to fight", and only five videos were shown each day (TRL), and Carson Daly became a household name, I had already started watching VH1 on a regular basis. Hell, I still try and find new Pop-Up Videos on YouTube now and then. "Behind the Music" had me captivated. And once all the "I Love The..." shows came out, MTV could have fallen off the face of the earth, and I wouldn't have noticed. I call MTV the grandmother of television because I think when kids watch that crap, it's like going to grandma's house, and her letting you stuff your face with whatever shit you decide you want to eat. And grandma knows you'll have a stomach ache later, but by that time, you'll already be home with your parents and they'll have to deal with the whining and moaning. It's sweet revenge.

Yeah, so that was my rant. Oh! And don't tell me "Well, there's MTV Classic" or something like that. NO! When I turn on MTV, I want MY MTV.

I Need To Start Paying in Pictures of Spiders

2008-11-08T11:40:00.007-05:00

There's no other way I can describe the sheer genius of this, other than to just give you the link and have you decide for yourself.

Link

This Guy Is Awesome

2008-11-08T11:33:00.003-05:00

My husband and I have been arguing back and forth over if this guy is a tool or not. Now, usually, if you're in my sight range and I don't know you or you're not my bartender, I will usually group you in a tool category until proven otherwise. (Yeah, I usually have bitchy thoughts I keep to myself.)

But, in this case, I think because it's in the UK, and my chances of running into him at a bar are slim, I don't categorize this guy as being a tool.

A Real Knee-Slapper

2008-11-06T19:52:00.002-05:00

Oh, I was rolling when I watched this. I couldn't breathe!

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

The Art of Eavesdropping

2008-10-29T20:53:00.007-04:00

One of the best qualities I honed when I was younger was eavesdropping. I read a few Nancy Drew books, a few "So You Wanna Be A Spy" books, and got enough practice sneaking around the house listening to my mom's phone conversations and my parents' fights.

When I began studying journalism in college, we were told that some of the best tips were found via eavesdropping, "accidentally" overhearing conversations at coffee shops/diners, being at the right place at the right time. When we were told that, I smiled to myself. I had become quite good at the art.

Eavesdropping is not pressing your ear to a glass against a door or picking up a telephone extension (besides, most people would be using their cell phone). Real eavesdropping is becoming invisible.

Don't Make Eye Contact
Never look in the direction of what you're supposed to be listening to. Whenever I don't have my contacts in or my glasses on, I find myself asking people to repeat what they're saying more often. Somehow, when I'm looking at something, I have more of my attention on it, therefore, I'm taking in more information. It takes a lot to look away from something you feel is important to be listening to.

Occupy Yourself With Something Else
If you can't help turning your head (or your eyes--watch out for those!), fiddle with a napkin, look for something in your purse, pretend to text someone on your cell phone, or, better yet, pretend to call someone or your voicemail. Never include yourself in the conversation, even if you have something to add. As soon as you involve yourself in said conversation, you are no longer eavesdropping.

Listen For Keywords

Can't hear every word? If you know what the conversation is pertaining to, try to focus on hearing what you're essentially looking for. Most likely, you'll need to hear the names and verbs associated with those names. But also be on the lookout for words like "not", "isn't", "can't"--things that will keep you from jumping to conclusions about the verbs and nouns you're hearing. If you're not sure exactly what the conversation is pertaining to, make sure you have other evidence to support your conclusions.

Never Repeat What You Heard

Eavesdropping is for personal reasons. Don't go bragging what you heard. Journalists use eavesdropping for tips and leads, not the story itself. Once you have something though eavesdropping, it's up to you how to get what you want to know elsewhere. Also, never start a gossip session with something you learned (or assumed you learned) from eavesdropping. On top of that, NEVER say, "I was eavesdropping and..." That goes for "I overheard...", as well. Don't give away that you eavesdrop (I just broke my own rule by writing this, I guess), or you'll make others wary whenever you're present. No one will say anything around you again.

Make Sure You Have Good Reason To Eavesdrop

Bad reasons to eavesdrop:

To keep the rumor mill going

To further your own social status or agenda

To use information against someone else for personal gain (blackmail, e.g.)

Good reasons to eavesdrop:

Well, other than doing so as a watchdog for the public (sorry, sometimes the ideals of J-school come back to me), there isn't really a great reason to eavesdrop.

However, it doesn't hurt to eavesdrop when it comes to work (overhearing your bosses talking about something that will affect your job) or if you want to avoid an unpleasant situation with information you may not already have (texting someone jokingly, telling them a yo mama joke, if you didn't know his mother just passed away).

Practice Makes Perfect

It's so easy to practice eavesdropping. There are plenty of public places to practice. In line for coffee, while shopping, while waiting for the train (one of my favorite places to eavesdrop), at work (it's amazing how secluded people feel when they're in a cubicle), in the car (turn off the radio and roll down your windows on a hot day), any place that's public.

Don't Do It

The best way to keep yourself from being asked about information you're not comfortable having knowledge about it...not to actually know. No matter how good of an actor you think you are, it's easier to pull the ignorance card when you actually are ignorant. So, your best bet is not to eavesdrop at all and keep yourself occupied with things that actually concern you.

But, if you must eavesdrop, at least do it well. Maybe sometime soon, I'll write about how to have a conversation that cannot be eavesdropped upon, because that's an even better skill to have, especially since I wrote this.

SICKIE WOO!

2008-10-26T20:56:00.003-04:00

This is why I will barely call out of work when I'm sick, let alone when I just feel like a day off.

Poetry!

2008-10-19T01:20:00.004-04:00

I've finally figured out the secret to understanding poetry.

WINE!

Yes, that's it! I get it! See, before, it was like reading some 25-cent words strung together in a crazy pandemonium of grammar. (Ooh, that was good!) But then you have some wine, and all of a sudden, the stuff I was reading in Intro to Creative Writing and Poetry finally makes sense! Son of a bitch...

Except for that Carl Sandburg poem about "Little Cat Feet". Seriously! What the fucking bloody hell is that? God, I hated that poem. It never made any sense to me. I've been drunk many a time and a few of those many have I tried to reason with the poem, praying it would make sense to me.

And, alas (poetry speak, mind you), it a-fucking-lludes me!

I hate that poem.

Hate.

Pissed I had to memorize it.

Pissed it was supposed to make any difference in my life.

Pissed that the only thing I learned from that poem is how I enjoyed the writer using the correct grammar and spelling.

What the bloody hell is "little cat feet"?

Eh, fuck it all!

Anyone Want To Come Over For Popcorn?

2008-10-18T13:32:00.002-04:00

No, really. That's not just my title, I'm curious. Bring your cell phone.

Pop Corn téléphone portable micro-ondes
Uploaded by sassiere

Update: Damn. It's already been debunked.

Disco May Save Your Life

2008-10-17T14:58:00.002-04:00

Link

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- "Stayin' Alive" might be more true to its name than the Bee Gees ever could have guessed: At 103 beats per minute, the old disco song has almost the perfect rhythm to help jump-start a stopped heart.

In a small but intriguing study from the University of Illinois medical school, doctors and students maintained close to the ideal number of chest compressions doing CPR while listening to the catchy, sung-in-falsetto tune from the 1977 movie "Saturday Night Fever."

Sesame Street Was In Da Hood.

2008-10-17T12:05:00.000-04:00

I knew it!

Why Exercise Is Evil.

2008-10-16T23:05:00.001-04:00

OK, OK, so just the equipment is evil.

Hilarious Exercise Ball Prank in Kitchen - Watch more free videos

An Oldie, But Goodie.

2008-10-16T23:03:00.000-04:00

Possibly Better Than LOLCats!

2008-10-16T22:47:00.003-04:00

Who knew simply flipping a picture would bring so much fun?

Currently a favorite on my Google Reader.

God, This Kid Is Adorable.

2008-10-16T22:43:00.002-04:00

If I weren't allergic to shellfish, I would want this scenario to happen in my house.

Yet Another Barack Remix

2008-10-16T22:41:00.000-04:00

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

I Now Get The Song!

2008-10-16T22:37:00.003-04:00

Europe was singing about the world's Final Countdown to this man:

Say, "Cheesy"!

2008-10-16T22:25:00.004-04:00

Oh god, the horrible memories of feathered hair, fighting with my mother the morning of, those little, supposidly "unbreakable" combs distributed, and the annual fear of being immortalized with my eyes half-closed.

Now that I look back on those days, I can be thankful that at least I only had one year my mom let me get the best background ever!

Don't Click On The Red Phone

2008-10-16T22:20:00.003-04:00

Oh, Sarah, I swear, this is the last time I link to something that completely puts you down...

That may be a lie.

UPDATE: Now that the election is over, Palinaspresident.us has been updated to reflect the "Coming of Obama", haha. But the original is still available HERE.

Who Said A Recession Couldn't Be Fun?

2008-10-16T22:17:00.000-04:00

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Need This. Need This Now.

2008-10-13T19:43:00.000-04:00

If only...

Pimp My Fridge

2008-10-13T19:26:00.001-04:00

In case you wanna impress the ladies. (I know I was impressed.)

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Oof!

2008-10-09T20:26:00.006-04:00

Seriously, you'll need to prepare yourself for this. I sent it around at work, and I could hear it spreading as the gasps and "Ohmigawd"s echoed in the office.

Needless to say, this guy is a TOOL.

Stupid Baby Products

2008-10-08T19:31:00.002-04:00

I rolled my eyes when I heard about Baby Mozart; I thought raising a baby without breast feeding was sacrilegious; and I am convinced that peanut allergies are directly related to stupid mothers trying these new so-called "healthy" pregnancy diets.

But then I saw this today.

Mulligan?

2008-10-08T19:20:00.002-04:00

The moon landing may be a hoax...but this is just hilarious!

Golf Course Astronaut

Best New Site

2008-10-08T19:01:00.004-04:00

Warning: Very Strong Language

I would like to introduce the cause of an hour and a half of my morning being sucked up, due to laughing, e-mailing and general merriment over finding this site.

Some of my favorites are:

Person 1: don't you hate it when you shit on the floor, and you can hear it fall but you have no idea where it actually landed, and spend like 5 minutes looking for it
Person 2: ...
Person 2: what?
Person 1: oh shit
Person 1: don't you hate it when you DROP shit

Person 1: women ask for it
Person 1: they act all old and mature
Person 1: and then you stick your cock up their ass
Person 1: and they get all bitchy
Person 1: "I"M ONLY 13, I'M ONLY 13!!!"

The last one reminds me of a conversation I would have with one of my dear friends...he knows who he is, hahaha.

Remember A Time Before MySpace?

2008-10-02T14:26:00.003-04:00

No?

Hhmmm...Interesting (tool).

Anyway, believe it or not, there was a time before MySpace (I would call it B.M. to be cute, however I don't know if it would be taken in that manner, now that I look at the abbreviation).

I went on an archeological dig around the archives of these here internets and came across this little site...no, I won't divulge the secret yet.

Regardless, here is your tour of the evolution of A Place For Friends:

The first incarnation of MySpace in 1997:

Then, in 2000, if you went to myspace.com, you would have been greeted with this:

Soon, myspace.com was a ghost town of a site in 2001. Although those who entered their e-mail addresses were sure in for a surprise...

In 2002, the site was bare, other than a general welcome screen:

Finally, the MySpace we know and love (well, personally, MySpace and I have a love/hate relationship) today started sprouting its little wings:

Then it started to evolve into even more of a familiar home page in 2004:

Looking at all of these, I began to wonder when Tom came about. Seriously!

Oh, and here's the link to the Internet Archives of which I speak.

God, This Is Hypnotizing

2008-10-01T12:44:00.001-04:00

Work Quote of the Day

2008-10-01T11:48:00.002-04:00

“Sarah Palin thinks she’s all about foreign policy because she can see Russia from her house; I can see the moon from my house and that doesn’t make me a goddamn astronaut!”

Fruit Salad

2008-09-30T19:16:00.005-04:00

Right before work ended today, I started getting that warm, heavy feeling in my temples. Then I realized my muscles felt a bit sore. And my heating pad was all the way up and I was still shivering (we're worried about an economic crisis, but my building can't seem to economize on keeping the top floor cold enough). Then it hit me...

I was getting sick!

By the time I was stuck in traffic, it had turned into an "oh-I-just-want-to-go-home-and-get-in-bed" all-out fever. And, of course, I had to take back roads because they had to close the highway right before rush hour.

On my way home, I ended up listening to a bunch of music, mostly because I was skipping around so much because I was so impatient with the day. I noticed, though, that in my song choices I listened to the whole way through, I had inadvertently ended up listening to enough fruit-inspired bands and songs that I could have gotten my anti-oxidant content from my iPod:

Raspberries-Go All The Way

The Cranberries-Dreams

Harry Nilsson-Coconut

The Lemonheads-Into Your Arms

Bananarama-Last Thing On My Mind

Fiona Apple-If We Kissed
(Because there isn't an official video for this song, I had to look through the many interpretations on YouTube, mostly featuring WB teen crap--this one made me laugh, though, so I had to post it.)

And, of course...
The Beatles-Strawberry Fields Forever

Bonus
Because it's my favorite fruity flavor (I hate the actual fruit itself, though...), I thought I'd add just a little more to the fruit concoction.

Too Cute Not To Click

2008-09-27T22:46:00.003-04:00

Dirty computer screen? This might not help, but at least he's trying!

Yahoo! Answers...

2008-09-27T22:35:00.002-04:00

Oh, the scraps I wanted to know as a child, but never got a chance to ask anyone. Had I had Yahoo! Answers around when I was younger, I would have been able to get my answers...no matter how weird my question was.

Although my questions (and, sometimes, the answers) would probably still never be as weird as these:

Why Do People Make Computer Viruses?

HELP!! i put pink sharpie in my hair...?

What do people from other states think of connecticut?

Why dose my hamster have strange feet?

Ear wax and beer foam?

LOVE IT!

2008-09-27T15:34:00.002-04:00

Just discovered "Saved by the Bell" Remixes. Oh, these are great.

"Slater, Slater, new poon, new poon in the class!"

And "What is this fat fuck doing here?"

Unfortunately, the third video was not available in this country (huh? Never seen that before on YouTube.)

Guess What I Found!

2008-09-27T13:56:00.009-04:00

So, yesterday, I came across Fancast, a site where you can watch free movies and television shows. Needless to say, from noon until I was done with work, I watched (well, more or less listened to) eight episodes of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show".

New Addiction Alert!

The Great Sandwich Search

2008-09-27T13:18:00.003-04:00

It all began with an e-mail:

"To Employees,

There is a six foot Sub in Conference room 2B. Up for grabs! First come, first serve."

So, around lunch time, we decided to look for it. Problem was, we didn't know where 2B was. It started with three of us and we went to the second floor. Then we ran into two more people from our office, also looking for said sandwich. We went through areas of the 2nd floor we didn't know even existed. When we came across other workers we knew, we asked where the big sandwich was and, of course, we got more people joining us, looking for the unknown 2B conference room. We had about 11 or 12 people looking for the alleged sandwich. We were like a giant game of Snake.

Finally, when we found room 2B (in a small corner of a part of the HR office none of us even knew existed), there were only three pieces of the Sub left. Instead of standing for another minute thinking about the sandwich, I decided to just be proud of the fact that we found the sandwich, and then I made a frozen meal for lunch.

Two Comedians You Might Not Know About

2008-09-27T12:44:00.004-04:00

Most comedians who are big now have gotten too big...and, therefore, not funny. These comedians have been around for years (Mitch Hedberg, although he died a few years back, actually has his last recorded routine coming to CD soon) and I'm praying they don't become huge.

Without further ado, meet Mitch Hedberg:

And, a little more well-known, especially if you look him up on IMDB: Eddie Izzard.

Urban Dictionary Fun

2008-09-27T11:57:00.005-04:00

So, we had a bit of fun this week with Urban Dictionary.

If you haven't looked around it before, I'll give you a few minutes to poke around...

Done? OK. So, here are the words we found:

Warning: VERY adult content...and a little sickening.

Photo Memories #2

2008-09-24T20:32:00.004-04:00

My Collection of Carvel Shirts

Oh, the five years of my life during and after college I would never trade for anything. Crazy Westport customers, late nights (doing things we shouldn't have been doing), lots of laughs, Rummy 500, getting bleach on almost every pair of pants I owned while mopping, squirrels jumping out of garbage bins, coming to work hungover and/or still a little drunk, arms covered in stickiness, always having the faint smell of dairy, unidentified bruises, dinners at Angelina's and Chef's Table, hopping all over the shelves while on an Ephedra high, driving the scary Carvel van, a highly defined scooping arm (and a less than stellar left arm comparatively)...oh, and ice cream, ice cream, ice cream!

I ended up holding onto one shirt and another will be used in a gift for a friend.

Five Songs That Should Have Added A Pick Slide

2008-09-24T19:49:00.005-04:00

I have to say, I get very nostalgic for the '90s whenever a power ballad comes on and I hear a pick slide. I think it's one of the most underestimated "techniques" in music, to be honest. It's like that random burst that re-focuses me on whatever song I'm listening to.

When I was driving home from work, I was listening to Rod Stewart's, Bryan Adams' and Sting's All For One (no joke, really) and I realized why I always felt so anxious and let down listening to it: It needs a pick slide!

Then, when traffic started moving, I found myself singing along to Michael Jackson's Black or White (watching the video just now definitely made me smile, too):

Then, I was switching highways when I decided Joan Jett's I Love Rock 'n' Roll needed a few pick slides, although with her random outbursts of "OOOOW!", Ms. Jett might feel threatened:

When I was almost home, I was worried I wouldn't have a good collection of songs to add to this blog...but luckily ZZ Top's Tush came on:

You may be wondering about the fifth song. Well, I saved the best for last. When it came on, I was thanking the iPod gods of Shuffle Songs. As if this song didn't have enough cliches (musical and otherwise) attached to it already:

Why Having a Blog is Better than Having Facebook/MySpace - Reasons 1-5

2008-09-23T01:08:00.006-04:00

Reason #1 - I don't want to join a group with other people who like the same music I do.

In a blog, I can simply write: "I like Robbie Williams." And what is unwritten is: "If you don't like Robbie Williams, feel free to discuss in the comments section why you don't. Maybe I'll agree with you, maybe I won't." Also posted and understood: "Here is a video illustrating the points I have made about Robbie Williams being a great musician. You cannot help at least tapping your feet to his U.K. (read: better than the U.S. crap on the radio) rhythm."

Said Example:

Reason #2 - Blogs load faster and are usually less complicated than profiles.
Good Lord, people put too much on their pages! I can understand the background designs, the coordinating colors, but the bumper stickers, the virtual pet rocks, the "Save the Jackalope" applications, the "Join the Largest Facebook Group [of tools] Now!" groups, etc. If I'm actually looking at someone's profile, it's for some information, or to post a birthday greeting. and it's gotten to the point where I can't even find the comment wall anymore!

Reason #3 - Who are these people?
I'm pretty good at remembering names and faces...of people I've come into immediate contact with. I can probably still name every member of every class from kindergarten through 6th grade off the top of my head (and with the help of an hour or two...and maybe a glass of wine). I remember people I was friends with in middle school and high school. Maybe we had lockers right next to each other for all four years (I don't remember her name at all, now that I think about it!), but we never talked. So, if I don't respond immediately (or at all) to your friend request, it's because I need to find and unpack my yearbooks so I can look you up. Or, if you're a friend-of-a-friend, at least leave a comment as to why I would know you. With blogs, there is no small talk, no "how have you been-fine-oh good-how are you-good-well, that's nice" type dealings. It's a blog! No need for small talk, the information is right there!

Reason #4 - Stalking is a lot more detailed through a blog.
Well, it is! I mean, what can people really find out about me through my Facebook profile?
"Status change! She got married? I should ask her 'how's married life?' because I'm sure she doesn't hear that at least once a day!"
vs.
"Ah-ha! A post labeled 'marriage'!...oh, her and her husband are too funny. I guess they're doing well."

Reason #5 - Nothing really changes on profile pages.
No, really. It doesn't. The general information stays the same. Sure, people will change their pictures every so often, and I know those who break up with people using the status option, and then there are those who just can't join enough groups.

In blog terms, they can change their user icon, depending on the post; they can find the humor in their status change and write about it, giving a laugh (or cry) to others; and, as far as groups go, see reason No. 1--you might as well just write a post every time you decide you like or don't like something. But, then again, imagine reading a blog made up entirely of posts like "I like soup. That is all." "I don't like Facebook's new layout." "I remember when Jessie got hooked on caffeine pills." "I DO know the way to San Jose, la la la la la la la la la laaaa." (Actually, that's not a bad idea for a blog...My Idea! No Can Have!)

The Experiment

2008-09-22T23:30:00.009-04:00

Hypothesis: The scale is evil.

How I will prove this: Weighing myself for two days after every event that may cause a fluctuation in weight.

Materials: Scale (batteries should be in full working order), myself (and my ass, which has taken on its own area code at this point)

Experiment:
12 p.m.-204.4-Just woke up
12:14-203.0-Made bed, went to bathroom
1:15-203.0-Ate scrambled egg with shredded cheese, two pieces of toast with butter and slice of cheese (Ha! No change!)
2:28-204.8-Put on extra pair of pants, cleaned upstairs
3:29-204.4-More cleaning, just had sip of diet soda
3:30-205.2-Holding can of soda while on scale
3:53-204.4-Soda made me have to use bathroom
4:29-204.8-Finished soda, worked up sweat from ripping down wallpaper in upstairs bathroom
5:24-205.0-Folded laundry, put away
6:16-205.0-Showered, hair still wet, standing on scale in towel
6:30-203.6-Dried hair, put clothes on
6:45-204.6-Ate a banana
7:00-204.8-Put more laundry away
8:09-205.4-Went shopping, put sweatshirt on, tummy's growling
8:13-205.4-Had a cookie
8:31-205.6-Had slice of cheese, dinner in oven
9:02-206.6-Ate fish sticks, french fries, half can of soda
9:21-207.0-Ate brownie
11:30-206.2-Fell asleep on couch, about to go back to sleep

End of Day One:
Total Weight Gained: 8.6 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 7.6 lbs
End Weight Lost/Gained: +2.2 lbs

Day Two:
8:30 a.m.-203.4-Woke up
8:51-202.6-Went to bathroom, cleaned up a bit
10:58-203.0-Woke up again, 1/2 bottle of water
11:13-204.2-Ate yogurt, put on sweatshirt
11:35-204.0-Went to bathroom
12:09 p.m.-204.2-Ate peanut butter granola bar
12:43-204.2-Ate two handfuls of shredded cheese and a slice of cheese
5:23-205.8-Got back from Dad's house, had one slice of pizza there
5:28-205.0-Went to bathroom
6:40-204.8-Ate some crackers and hummus
6:46-204.6-Went to bathroom
7:43-205.4-Ate one piece of lasagna
10:32-206.4-Drank a glass and a half of wine
11:38-205.4-Went to bathroom
11:42-203.0-Ready for bed, no pants or sweatshirt

End of Day Two:
Total Weight Gain: 5.2 lbs.
Total Weight Loss: 4.4 lbs.
End Weight Loss/Gain: -.4

Final weigh-in this morning: 201.8 lbs. (I'm not even going to put in that I somehow gained weight after I went to the bathroom; I like this number better anyway.)

Total results: -2.6 lbs. in two days.

Results: Seeing the weight gain over the course of a day = Hate the scale, I think I need a new one.

Seeing the results total for the weekend = Holy crap, really? So, you're saying I can have my cake (or cheese, from what I've realized is my downfall) and eat it too? Losing about a pound a day?

Sad conclusion: I will gain it back in three weeks when the bagel cravings begin again...

Variables:

* Knowing I had to get on the scale after everything made me a little self-conscious of what I was putting in my mouth...and made me very anxious to go to the bathroom more.

* I theorize that whenever my husband would follow me into the bedroom and catch me standing on the scale holding my notebook every few hours, the fear added at least half-a-pound.

* How the hell did eating a banana add a whole pound? And a brownie only made me gain .4?

* Have only looked at scale three times today. Can't wait for tomorrow morning. If I get below 200 this week, there will be celebration. Maybe in the form of brownies, as they are somehow better than bananas.

* OK, OK, before you comment about waiting for digestion to take place, yes, I know I shouldn't have weighed myself seconds after finishing the last bite of something...but I liked my brownie vs. banana discovery!

Final Analysis: The scale is evil, but only in large doses. (Brownies, however, are not! Ha!)

Best German Export?

2008-09-22T14:40:00.002-04:00

There's a debate going on at work about the top three rankings of Germany's exports:

The Hoff

Heidi Klum

The Scorpions

Opinions?

Sometimes I Love My Job

2008-09-22T13:53:00.003-04:00

What I had to look up at work:

Work Antics

2008-09-22T11:19:00.002-04:00

This guy Sean has a police shirt he used for a photo shoot on his chair. And it has a patch that says "police" on it. So, one of the guys a few days ago added a piece of paper with the word "cock" written in big letters to the top so it says "cock police".

So, they just ran a tour through the office while Sean was out of his seat...and the chair was facing them as they walked in. And we all turned around to see them laughing at something and we couldn't figure out what they were laughing about until we remembered Sean's shirt. Oh, the antics.

Update: Sean just got back to his desk and we told him the story and he laughed, then paused and said, "Wait, it says 'cock' on the shirt?!"

Photo Memories #1

2008-09-21T22:41:00.007-04:00

I started going through an old box of stuff. And that's the only way I can describe the box: stuff. In that box, I threw out a lot, including things I had been saving just for the nostalgia associated with it. I finally got the nerve to take pictures of these things and write about them so I could finally rid myself of the physical excess baggage I was carrying around.

These were my first pair of flare jeans. I thought these would be the "magic" to finally make me irresistible to guys. Yeah, that's it...

My mother would never buy me pair. I hate to admit it, but although I could zipper and button them up, I had what is now known as a muffin top. And my mother saw that and said I couldn't get any pants from Gap or Old Navy...and off to Lane Bryant we would go! And what they called "flares" were never flared. They were mom jeans. Mom jeans don't run the risk of muffin tops; the only thing that falls out of the top of Lane Bryant jeans are boobs because that's how far up the waist band is. (Well, I can't say that, really, I haven't shopped there since high school.)

But these were from Old Navy. I saved my allowance (well, lunch money...you would think skipping lunch for a week and a half would have gotten me to an "Old Navy size") and bought a pair on my own. And then I wore them every day for pretty much the rest of high school.

The hole in the left knee was from walking to drivers' ed. one day and I tripped in a crosswalk and ripped the knee. The hole in the right knee was from being bored one day watching TV and playing with a pair of scissors. The hole in the back of the thigh was from...well, I don't know what that's from. I think I had a hole in the seam and I kept picking at it and picking at it and then it turned into a large hole that just got larger the more I walked. Oh, and not to mention that the cuffs were torn to shreds from every day wear and tear.

Once I lost weight, I saved these as my fat jeans. I would wear them around the house when I cleaned, or when I would allow myself to pig out in front of the television with a box of chocolate covered cherries and regular (ooh! Scandalous!) Coca-Cola. Or I would wear them after a break-up when I wanted to feel better about being able to pull them up and down without unzipping them.

When I pulled them out of the box of stuff, I knew I could fit into them again. But I didn't care. They had a lot of good memories attached, but I knew I didn't want to put them on again, no matter how loose (or tight!) they might be. I like the jeans I have now...at least I can wear them to work.

One More Post Before Bed

2008-09-18T22:31:00.005-04:00

Just came across this on my "Now, before I go to bed, is there anything else online I want to read" moment.

See, and I thought having FeBreeze and Easy Mac invented the same year I went to college was amazing...

Fun in the Car

2008-09-18T22:07:00.003-04:00

I keep a drumstick in my car. Just one. I have told the same story that my cousin (drunkenly) stole it from his band's drummer because they were in a fight and decided to hide it in my car and that's why it's there. At this point, I don't remember if I made that up or if that's what actually happened, because the more I think about it, the weirder the story sounds...but I've been telling it for so long, that may just be the reason. So, it's just hanging out in my car. The Kia, the drumstick and me.

This afternoon during my commute, I was out of cigarettes and needed to keep my hands busy. I decided to put it to use, other than using it as a reaching stick when my purse falls on the floor. I started keeping the beat to the songs on my iPod. I tapped on the steering wheel only for a few seconds before the (supposedly irrational) fear of the airbag spontaneously going off hit me, so I percussioned (I can turn what I did into a verb, oh yes I can) on the dashboard instead.

Soon, Howard Jones came on, and before I knew it, I was doing that washboard sound using the heating vents. Although a small accomplishment in my life, I got a thrill from the ingenuity to work with the resources I had.

Just in case you happen to be around a vent of some sort and have a drumstick handy (who doesn't?):

10 Universal Truths...

2008-09-18T20:11:00.004-04:00

...or, at least they're universal to me.

1. Signals are on the car or a reason.
Or, at least they're on the less expensive cars sold outside Fairfield county. Apparently, if you own a Mercedes, Lexus, Bentley, or anything that costs more than $60,000, signals are an option that aren't available on even the most expensive models, I guess. Right? Am I wrong? I've never been in one. I drive a Kia and can't imagine not letting other drivers around me know where I'm going. Oh, and doing so before I put on my brake lights is an Amendment to this Universal Truth.

2. Dick Wolf should be considered a form of torture.
Oh, but it's sooo good. It's like, my husband and I watch an episode of "Law & Order: SVU" and we're always on the edge of our seats for all 60 minutes, than when we get attached to the characters and the stories and Dick Wolf twists our arms and as soon as we see the black screen with his name, we exclaim, "Damn you, Dick Wolf!" Immediately after, we search for another DVR'ed episode we haven't seen, as if to say, "Thank you, sir, may we have another!"

3. If we just sit down to dinner, the phone will ring, and it won't be for me.
No matter how late we eat, my husband will get a call from someone. It will only end when I'm finished eating and it's time to clean up. But, then again, I hate the phone so I'm not that perturbed when it's not for me.

4. If I wake up late, I will either be low on gas or cigarettes.
This means I will hold myself up having to get them on my way to work, making myself feel even more late. If I wake up early, I will have an adequate amount of both gas and cigarettes, then I'll have to find ways to kill time so I won't get to work super early and the day will drag.

5. If I'm doing laundry, the shirt/pants/underwear I'll want to wear that day will be in the washer or dryer at that moment.
It's just inevitable. I may not even think I have worn it in the past two weeks, but somehow it will end up in my laundry and I'll have to do some last minute planning on an outfit.

6. If I've been tired all day and can genuinely see myself easily taking a nap when I get home, plans will pop up and we will end up being out late.
It's very rare I'm tired at work and not get my second wind on the ride home, simply because I'm not at my desk anymore. But the days I can't keep myself awake on the ride home, I know I'll be coming home to company and/or we'll end up going out somewhere.

7. If I've found I've lost weight (seemingly overnight), I'll be starving the whole day.
I'll end up eating whatever and whenever I want to that day as a sort of "reward", bringing my weight back up to what it previously was sans miracle overnight success. Oh, and it'll all be crap, too.

8. If I play hookie and take a sick day, I will get sick the next week.
I would feel badly for taking a sick day when I wasn't really sick and go to work, looking terrible. Although, this works in my favor sometimes; it gives my boss a chance to see what I'm like when I'm sick, therefore assuming I must have been even worse the week before. The phrase "trouper" comes into play. However, being sick still sucks, especially when I feel too guilty to lie in bed all day like I would like to.

9. It is a bad idea to buy more than one book at a time.
Once I get the two books, I can never decide which one to read first. It has gotten to the point where I end up not reading either. Or, I'll decide on one and mid-way through, I'll wonder if I decided to read the "wrong" book first, put it down and start the second, and never get back to the first because my mind has already been somewhere else for too long and I don't want to start over.

10. I only notice how anti-social I can be when an elevator is present.
I don't get uncomfortable easily. If I do, the feeling usually passes quickly. However, whenever I have to share an elevator with someone I'm not familiar with, I get all sorts of flustered. I'll have just gotten in the elevator and if I here someone coming, I'll press the Door Close button as quickly and as stealthily as possible to avoid sharing the elevator. It's a confined space and what will have been 15 seconds seems to last hours sometimes, especially if I've just come back from a cigarette and I can only imagine what the poor soul sharing this 3x3 space with me is thinking as they smell the tobacco on me. When I get to my floor and the doors open up, it's like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders.

New Discovery

2008-09-18T19:42:00.004-04:00

So, in order to stay awake at work (fifth-day period fatigue syndrome), I was doing my usual Internet laps around my usual sites, I discovered Jott.

Not only can I have Jott send me text message and e-mail reminders and to-do lists, but I can post to Blogger via my phone. Sure, whatever I send it has to be said in fewer than 15 seconds, but I don't honestly see myself using it for Blogger, unless I can figure out a way to save it to drafts and work on it later.

Just a shameless plug, but so far I like it.

Oh, and iGoogle carries Jott as a Gadget.

Thank You Poem

2008-09-17T23:40:00.005-04:00

So, my husband's best friend had her wedding two weeks before we had ours and we just received the thank you card today; I just bought our thank you cards over the weekend (at Family Dollar -- you could tell the wedding money ran out quickly on our honeymoon).

But, instead of a hand-written card (read: the only types of thank you cards that won't get you in trouble with the WASP side of my family), it was a photocopied poem, clearly written by the bride's mother. It was a very nice poem: easy to skim, our names were hand-written at the top, the Pepto-Bismol colored paper was a little nauseating to look at for very long.

I made the joke to my husband that we should write a short poem in each of our thank you cards. Here are some of the ideas:

Roses are red,
Bees like honey,
Your gift was sweet,
But we also like money.

*

Thanks for coming to our wedding,
Now call off the bet,
Although he screwed up the vows,
We haven't divorced yet.

*

My thighs may not be sore,
And he stopped saying "Heee-eey",
But I'm still a whore,
And he's still gay.

*

Thank you for your gift,
We'll use it near and far,
Thanks also for attending the wedding,
Hope you liked the open bar.

*

Glad you liked the wedding,
We heard you were tanked,
His mother said she met you,
She was the one you spanked.

*

I know we don't talk as often as we should,
Time passes so fast, it's true,
But I'm glad you gave a present at the wedding,
Now I can go back to ignoring you.

*

As I got home the night of the wedding,
And saw the presents in a heep,
I decided to open them,
Because he was already asleep.

*

Votes? Anyone? (Will anyone talk to me after these are sent out?) Hhhmph.

Video of the Day

2008-09-17T23:37:00.003-04:00

On my super secret source for new funny videos, I came across this. As opposed to this as I am as a journalist (or at least a journalism major in college), I have to say this cracked us up at work.

A Massacre, In My Opinion

2008-09-13T20:11:00.001-04:00

I LOVE Mary Poppins. Not just "loved as a child", but "love to this day". But I do have to say, this was pretty funny.

Political Commercials

2008-09-13T20:00:00.002-04:00

Well, if this isn't the be-all, end-all of political satires!

Of course, having a firm grasp on what is rising on these-here internets, I'm proud to say I am the bearer of this viral video to many of my Broadway-loving friends.

Oh, it's wonderful. At the end, I didn't know if I was laughing really hard, or if I was about to cry (the harmonies get me all goose bumpy in Les Mis).

Point of this entry: LOVE IT!

Fashion?

2008-09-12T06:56:00.013-04:00

I don't pretend to follow trends.

When I see a new trend, I find flaws with it (maybe because I don't have the money or the right body to pull it off). But my husband and I are HUGE fans of "Project Runway". It's the only show we actually set aside time to watch. Soon, the season finale leaks will be hitting the Internet. While researching what's going on at Fashion Week, I ended up spotting this, ahem, movement (above left).

It could just be me, but aren't designs shown during fashion week supposed to be looked at as avant-garde, but easily tamed for the commercial audience? I don't see how they'll make this work...

And, it reminded me of the aardvark jackets (above right), lovingly given at Christmas time in the Myer household in "Better Off Dead". "Everyone's going to have one!"