Things I Want To Be Awesome At

I've started a mental list in my head of things I want to be awesome at, as the title of the this post suggests. My husband and I have started talking about kids and, for some reason, the thought no longer scares me. I guess I am starting to feel like an adult...most of the time. But, for some reason, I have this '50s housewife stereotype stuck in my head of things I want to be able to do before having kids. And, I know this image is kind of outdated, but I still can't escape it. So, instead of trying to rebel against it, I've decided to embrace it, and try my hardest to at least get the basics down I feel I would need to accomplish the stereotype.

I want to be able to sew a dress without a pattern

This, of course, would probably require I go out and buy a basic pattern and some fabric first, right? Yeah...I guess so. But I have this image that one day, I'll be at work and my husband will call and tell me we're having company over for hors d'oeuvres and brandy and I'll tell him I have nothing to wear. So, I picture myself stopping at JoAnn fabric on the way home and, as my mini-quiches and tartlets are cooking, I'll whip up a snazzy, casual little dress. This scenario may never play out in my life. ...but there's always the small hope it would. And, somehow, I picture Mr. and Mrs. Tate coming over later, exclaiming how lovely my house is and that my husband sure came through on that advertising deal. If only I could learn to wiggle my nose, I'd be all set for this scenario.

I want to be able to pull off red lipstick

I feel like red lipstick ages, but not in a good way. It's like, if you can pull of red lip stick, you're old enough to wear it. If you're not old enough to wear it, no matter how perfect it may be applied, you still look like you've gone and played in your mother's makeup bag again. I get away with the occasional red gloss for some pop. And, luckily, it usually wears off after a few hours. But I tried the red lipstick look once for my friend's wedding. And I felt like I was so close to pulling it off. But I still didn't feel right about it. Maybe because it's not an every day look for me...but one day, I will be able to pull of red lipstick.

I want to be able to set the perfect table

I was at a friend's wedding shower a few weeks ago and I noticed the catering staff's way of pulling a tablecloth askew on half of the table and laying out the food just so, as if it were being photographed for a spread in some upscale magazine I would never buy, but secretly skim at a book store. Personally, I don't think the tiny twinges of OCD would tolerate half my dining room table covered with a table cloth that looked like it could fall off at any moment. I would most likely adjust it until it lay perfectly balanced. But I did decide I would start looking at table cloths in general, just so I don't end up having to explain the white heat marks I made (somewhat) better this weekend.

I want to be able to grow and maintain flowers

I'm getting there! I actually planted Forget-Me-Nots a few months ago in my window boxed on my front porch that have actually sprouted. I figure in a few weeks, they will look somewhat decent, although I didn't know Forget-Me-Nots grew so exceptionally tall...they kind of look out of place.

I want to be able to know where everything is in my house

I have an upstairs room I store my random things: scraps of fabric from a pair of pajama pants I tried to make and was halfway through until I realized I forgot to flip the pattern and I sewed two left legs; my yoga mat and DVDs I was crazy about in January, but have since given up on because I realized I was not relaxed when I was yelling at the instructors every time they said

"hold it just a few more seconds..."; books I intend to put on a shelf but won't until I get the rest of them out of my sister-in-law's attic; CDs...somewhere. Needless to say, I need to do an inventory of what I have upstairs and in the basement. Everything on the first floor is pretty much accounted for.

I want to be able to maintain a daily 10 minute clean

I have the instructions, but actually getting around to doing it at the end of the day seems to be the least appealing thing in the world. Hell, I've had two of my pillows in the dryer for two days now that I'm procrastinating bringing upstairs and putting back in their case. And my dishwasher, well, I keep hoping one day my husband will want to put the dishes away without me asking...but I think that's a pipe dream I need to get out of my head.

I want to learn the lyrics to at least 10 songs

I have a mental list of songs I want to be able to sing to my children. Offhand, I can only name three of them, but I know them when I hear them on my iPod. What I'd like to be able to do is learn the lyrics so I can sing them without having to substitute the words "something, something, love you something, something," which I tend to do when I completely blank on lyrics. I think karaoke spoiled me from having to learn lyrics. Either that, or I've been disappointed when I find the lyrics I've been singing for years is completely wrong. Case in point: After watching all five seasons of "Saved By The Bell" last week on DVD, I finally learned the words weren't "and the lawn gets out of waterin'", but were, in fact, "and the alarm lets out a warning." Not that I would put my children to bed singing the theme to "SBTB", but you never know.

I want to be able to change a diaper

Yeah, that's right, I've never actually done it on a live child before. Oh, sure, I had a flour baby and could easily put a diaper on a sack of flour, with one hand even. But an actual squirming, crying, wet and soiled child? No, never done it. I think I was afraid I'd secretly like it and start listening to my biological clock. Well, now that I've actually started noticing my biological clock, I seem to think it's with me when I have the irrational nightmare of pulling an Andrew Clark from "The Breakfast Club" and taping the child's buns together instead of the diaper. I'll get to it, I swear...

I want to be able to put together a delicious dinner in 30 minutes or less

Amendment to this statement: And not have to listen to anyone say "Yummo" or "E-V-O-O". God, I hate Rachael Ray. Hate. I would watch her on mute if I could. But, then again, I would want to be able to make these meals from scratch, too. Some of her stuff is pre-made she uses. Yeah, I'm kind of a perfectionist when it comes to cooking. I've baked and decorated my share of cakes, and I always feel so guilty when people tell me how good they are. I should be sending these compliments to Duncan Hines, actually. Oh, sure, the decorating is all me...but the cake is a mix+eggs+oil and my Kitchen Aide mixer, let's be honest. But I can decorate it like a champ!

One day, I may accomplish these goals. The red lipstick, well, that's the one that'll take some time...

The Cleaning Freak is Unleashed

I'll admit it: I'm a closet slob. My desk as work is very clean, and every few weeks I'll even wipe it down with anti-bacterial spray. But if you open the top drawer, there are plastic cutlery strewn about and old packets of duck sauce and Taco Bell sauce I'll use one day. Not to mention tampons, different medicines from the medicine cabinet at work and rubber bands here and there. But, at the same time, I get so annoyed at my coworker who sits at the same desk for having three old containers of take-out Miso Soup stacked by his monitor I know he'll never eat.

My dresser is dust free and the top is very organized and dust-free. But if you open a drawer, nothing is in a straight line. The top may be neatly folded because of putting away laundry, but the stuff I don't wear as often underneath the folded stuff is inside-out or crumpled messily or stuffed into corners so I can close the drawer.

Today I Swiffered underneath the bed and found four of my socks I took off during the night with the full intention of picking them up in the morning, but never seen or remembered.

My saving grace in my head is the mantra "Well, at least I'm not as bad as my husband," which is a terrible way to think of it! But I had to admit to myself that I will always have a messy streak.

I do, however, find a certain satisfaction (or schadenfreude, actually) in watching "How Clean is Your House?" on BBC America. In case you haven't had the pleasure of watching it, Kim Woodburn and Aggie Mackenzie are two "neat freaks", if you will. They surprise (as far as Reality TV lets you imagine, at least) slobs in their homes and open their eyes to just how disgusting they've been living. Then, with their decorated rubber gloves and English accents, they show the homeowners how to clean their house. I wouldn't have thought of this premise as a great idea for a reality show, but it's very addicting. And I get my "fix" almost every day because BBCA apparently knows it's a good show, so my DVR has at least two episodes waiting for me when I get home from work--some of them are repeats, but they're always fun to watch again.

Well, I've gotten so addicted to this show (in my effort to become the Grand Puba of Full-Time Career Girl/Housewife), that I found their book, "The Cleaning Bible", on Amazon and bought it immediately. Well, I can't even begin to tell you how clean my house is right now.

Hell, I'll let the review I posted at Amazon do the talking for you:

"I've recently gotten addicted to 'How Clean is Your House?' on BBC America. So much so that when I finish watching an episode, I start cleaning until my husband stops me or I have to go to bed or work. I have gotten so into the show, I now picture miniature versions of Kim and Aggie on my shoulder with their wit and wisdom as I'm scrubbing away at my bathroom or kitchen.  

When I found they wrote a book, I ordered it immediately, and even got Amazon Prime so I could enjoy it sooner. I've had it for a few days now and I can't say I've made much of a dent in the book. This is because I will read a few pages, then put it down to clean something. There's something about them that makes me want to clean and convinces me that I actually enjoy it somehow.  

We moved into a house built in 1928 last year, and we've torn the wall-to-wall carpets up and re-finished the hardwood floors underneath; taken the wallpaper down and painted; re-wired the kitchen; and basically had to start from scratch with this house. From all that work, cleaning seemed like such a chore, especially if we were to work on a new project that would inevitably make a mess. But now it's not so daunting.  

Maybe it's the thought of Kim saying, 'And look how it sparkles, dear! You wouldn't have known it could do that before, now, did you?' Or Aggie saying, 'You only need a cap-full of bleach, dear, not the whole bottle!'  

Either way, because of these two wonderful women, I get a kick out of cleaning and my home has been spotless for about two weeks (since becoming addicted to the show). My husband, who is probably 'quite a filthy little beggar' in Kim's mind, is happier as well because I haven't been complaining as much about cleaning. (Don't get the wrong impression of him--he helps out more, and from watching the show, I've noticed his complaints about cleaning are becoming few and far between.)  

The best thing I have to say about the book AND the show is the Mother-in-Law test. She came over this afternoon for coffee, and was stunned at how clean everything was. I wasn't even expecting her and I had no doubt when she pulled in the driveway that everything would be to her liking. I was even able to give her some tips I picked up from the show and the book!  

I can't say enough about this book or the two wonderful women who wrote it. It's not even something you have to read before cleaning--the personal stories they put in make the book easy to read before going to bed or lounging around the house (when you run out of stuff to clean...or so you think).  

As a childhood fan of Mary Poppins, these two women are probably the closest I'll ever have to having someone say 'spit-spot' and snapping their fingers and it's clean."

LINK

Gotta Love Checklists

Remember I was writing about trying to become more Stepford Wife-like? Well, in my effort, I came across some of the best tools for cleaning: Real Simple Checklists.

First, I printed the 30 Minute Daily Clean, which I only have to do every few days because my husband and I both work so much, we don't really have time to make big daily messes. LINK

Then, I printed out checklists for thoroughly cleaning each room.

Kitchen

Living Room/Dining Room/Bedroom

Bathroom

Unfortunately, when I cleaned the bathroom thoroughly, I clogged the drain in the bathtub. This, of course, led to standing in about 6 inches of water whenever we take a shower. And, when the water finally goes down the drain, we were left with even more dirt in the tub than we were before I cleaned. Hopefully, the two doses of Liquid Plumber we used yesterday helped. We haven't tested it yet.

I have also started to use an online checklist to remind me what I cleaned and what I haven't yet. LINK

My husband's job when this cleaning is taking place is to just stay out of my way. He's learned that I have my way of cleaning and his way is "wrong". OK, it's not necessarily wrong, it's just...not my way. But we're both self-admitted slobs; I just hide it a lot better.

A few hints I've picked up in my exploration of cleaning:

• Before doing any cleaning, take off wedding/engagement rings and other jewelry and put them in the jewelry cleaner container. This way, they aren't subjected to cleaning supplies and other gunk, and when you're done, take them out and shine them up.
  
• Train yourself not to start any mini-projects. I was all gung-ho about cleaning the kitchen one night and about a third of the way through it, I noticed my Tupperware cabinet was an absolute disaster, and I was ready to sit down and spend an extra 20 minutes just working on that. But I had to stop myself and put it on my ToDo list for later.
  
• Don't get mad when you've cleaned the bathroom, then your husband comes to the door, looking like a sad puppy and says, "Honey, I'm sorry, but you know that Mexican we had for dinner? Well, um, please let me in!" It happens.
  
• Pick up after yourself as you go along; don't leave everything for a "big clean". It's much easier to clean as you go. I'm still sort of training my husband in this. His new favorite excuse is "I'm sorry, I thought I put it away already." At least he's moved on from, "What mess?"
  
• Have the right tools. I have been eyeing the Swiffer Duster for ages. But when I see it in the store, I can't think of a single thing I need to dust. Then I get home and see the dining room furniture, the tops of our dressers, the TVs, the ceiling fans (just read in Real Simple that an old pillowcase is awesome to use on ceiling fans so the dust doesn't fly everywhere).
  
• Reward yourself. OK, some people are content just seeing a sparkling kitchen. I, on the other hand, still need some sort of compensation for my work. A few hours off the ever-living diet, perhaps. Or some time spent on Amazon.com (lately, browsing for cleaning books, go figure). It might be allowance mind-set still in my head.
  
• If you're noticing you're cleaning up after someone else, tell them. Don't let it fester. If you're using your anger for cleaning energy (my kitchen sink was almost steel wooled away one afternoon because of this), try and tire yourself out before confronting the person.
  
• If you start a cleaning project, finish it. This may sound like simple advice, but I've learned when my husband cleans, he will only do 90 percent of the job. For example, I asked him to clean the bathroom one day. This was a job he said he couldn't wait to do when we moved in. When I found him sitting on the couch a little while later, he proudly told me he was done. When I went into the bathroom, the sink, the toilet, the bathtub and the floor were clean. The stuff he moved in the process, however, was still on the dining room table.
  

I have to take a moment here and say that my husband is not a bad person at all. I love him dearly and when he goes to Iraq in August, I'll probably miss the messes he leaves. He will admit that he's a slob (but will also point out the pile of books I messily toss behind my nightstand or the pile in the back corner of my side of the closet), but he also admits he grew up in a house where he wasn't "allowed" to clean. His mother had her own system of cleaning that he wasn't privy to. I have to admit, I probably don't help matters because I don't have the patience to re-teach him the stuff he does know how to clean so that it's up to my standards.

One more tip before I get back to my To Do list: 

Watch BBC's "How Clean Is Your House?" or visit people who are absolute slobs if you need a kick in the ass to get cleaning. Usually, once I start cleaning, I don't stop until the Windex is pryed from my raw, pruny hands. But getting started (i.e. just getting off the couch and putting my hair in a ponytail) is the hardest part. However, when you're looking at someone else's place that's an absolute mess, or watching a show that focuses on the nastiness that can happen when you don't clean, it does a good job of pushing you in the direction of "oh god, I do not want my place to look like that!"

"Honey, I'm Home!"

I've been on this kick lately of cleaning. Yeah, I've never been an OCD cleaner, but I learned early the easiest way to clean was to pick up after yourself, not letting anything pile up.

Now that we have a home of our own, I forget that there are other things that need to be done that can't be done in the space of 10 minutes after a mess is made. Stuff like Swiffering the floors, mopping, doing a big clean of the bathroom, laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, stuff like that.

I'm now on a mission to become this fabulous 1950s wife. Notice, not a "housewife" as I'm very content having a career. But I want to prove I can do both.

I've been trying to find Web sites that might offer ideas to set this goal in motion. Something along the lines of Donna Reed meets Mary Tyler Moore.

This weekend, my husband invited a friend over for coffee. After going shopping a few days before, I was very pleased I was able to "whip up" a tray of tasty treats while she was hear. Cut strawberries, carrot sticks, celery sticks, crackers, Brie (for goodness sakes, Brie!), grapes and hummus. Oh, it was beautiful. I almost wanted to take a picture. OK, OK, I wanted to wrap it in plastic wrap and put it in the freezer to save for when his mother came over to show off.

That same night, I made a cake. Duncan Hines actually made it, but I mixed it and baked it. That counts. I even took it out of the mold and frosted it! That's an accomplishment, considering whenever we have frosting in the house, my husband gets to it with a spoon before I can bake the cake. I hid it this time so he couldn't.

This morning, he invited his sister and brother-in-law and his parents over for Sunday coffee. Once again, I cut some strawberries and filled a bowl with two yogurts mixed for a dip. Before they came over, I said to him, "Oh, I should serve something..." He gave me a look, and said, "Your WASP side is showing." I've learned to tune that out when I know he doesn't mean the passive-aggressive fighting and backhanded compliments I usually get called out for.

I recently re-read "The Undomestic Goddess" by Sophie Kinsella. Maybe that's what got me in the mood. As I was reading, I wished I had some sort of guidance for setting a schedule that was as effective as a housewife's, but with the ability to work.

And I spent that last half-an-hour searching online for some sort of starting point. But, alas, all I could find was schedules for housewives who wake up at 6 a.m. and don't stop until dinner is done and the dishes are cleaned and put away. But, even if I didn't have an almost unhealthy obsession with Google Reader (the modern day equivalent to soap operas, I guess) or a cat who's become quite the little master of our, er, her domain and is too adorable not to have at least an hour of kitty playtime and affection or terrible reality TV to watch, I still don't think I could pull it off. Well, I'll correct that; I want to be able to pull it all off, making it look absolutely effortless at the same time.

This will be my new project. If only there were something to help me get started...

Plus, I'm out of books to read and I'm itching for another Amazon shopping spree (by "shopping spree", I mean spend $25 so I can get the free shipping).

Top 10 Discoveries of 2008

iGoogle

At first, I was resigned to be completely against Google's insistence I sign up for iGoogle. I was happy having my simple Google search as my home page. Finally, I relented...and haven't looked back since. At first, it was the themes that got me. Then I began playing around with gadgets, then adding my other technological discoveries to my page, and now it seems I have the perfect iGoogle page, complete with a post-it note I update with projects from work so I have it at my fingertips. igoogle.com  

Dropbox

I hated having certain pictures and documents only available to me on certain computers. And I never remembered to e-mail myself files I would need between home and work. Finally, I downloaded Dropbox, an online archive of files that are easily accessible to any computer you happen to sign onto. This is especially useful for the random pictures I'll find at work and put into the folder "Work Pictures", which I'll forget about, but get a smile whenever I open at home. https://www.getdropbox.com/  

Blogger

Finally, somewhere to put the many thoughts I have during my two hours in the car by myself every day, going to-and-from work. blogger.com  

Bare Escentuals

I was never one to buy real makeup. My cousin gave me some Cover Girl one Christmas when I was younger and I never thought I needed anything else. Soon, I was old enough to buy my own makeup, but I never really wore it except for special occasions. Then I got into the habit of putting it on in the car before work. For my wedding, I was convinced by one of my bridesmaids to go to Macy's and get Mac. Well, what I found out about Mac was it was invented by a drag queen, which I thought was funny. Then, I found out on our honeymoon how, even though the coverage was great, my pores were not as "fabulous" as they should. I blamed it on the Hawaii humidity, but I knew it was the makeup that made me break out. Soon after, my friend turned me onto Bare Minerals. I was hesitant at first to spend $50 on the starter kit, but she guaranteed it would take me weeks to even see a dent in it. To its credit, I went through the foundation in about three months, but I still have most of my original warmer and mineral powder, plus it came with the brushes. Soon, my breakouts were few and far between, and I was getting actual compliments on my skin--people thought it was naturally flawless. I thought Mac had great coverage, but B.E. was even better. And, after buying the first kit, I was buying the eye kits, and getting even more compliments--even from my Mac-obsessed bridesmaid! www.bareescentuals.com

Google Reader 

I began a morning ritual when I got to work, before I could really start working. I would check my e-mail; post my schedule on my iGoogle page; print out what I needed to work on for the day; check Mental_Floss and woosk; get a few pages done, then take another surfing break; check Dumb Little Man, Zen Habits, bits and pieces; do some more work; have lunch and surf some more, checking Miss Cellania, Cracked, Lovely Listings, Cake Wrecks; get back to work; take another break and check Vanity Plates, Fail Blog, MakeUseOf, Baby Squared (my cousin's awesome blog about her twins) Lifehacker; finish any work I need to; check Listropolis, Stepcase Lifehack, 43 Folders, Indexed; make sure I have whatever I need done for the next day.

Basically, I had gotten addicted to blog reading throughout the day. Of course, I would put work first, but I also never had a spare moment when I wasn't checking my blogs...I turned into the equivalent of one of those women who can't miss her "stories". Ironically, if you'll notice, a lot of the blogs I read are productivity blogs. Even though they all recommended Google Reader, I didn't think I read enough blogs to constitute needing Reader. I did have most of these blogs in separate Gadgets on my iGoogle page, but soon I wanted to simplify my page, so I succumbed to Google Reader. Now that I have it, it takes me maybe 10 minutes in the morning to go through the posts I've missed, and I don't have to worry about having to remember Web addresses, missing anything, or going through two weeks of posts because I've temporarily forgotten about the blog. Pretty soon, I was finding the RSS feed on every Web page I visiting, and adding it to my Reader. Now, I'll sign on in the morning and have at least 60 news posts to keep me busy in the morning, and more throughout the day. Imagine how much fun I've had on my vacation when I haven't been on the computer as much. www.google.com/reader

Baby Wipes

On one of my many blogs, I read about the makeup removing benefits of using baby wipes. I've fallen in love with Huggies All Natural wipes for my face. There are so many mornings (more than I'd like to admit) I wake up too late for a full face wash and grab the wipes and go.

Suction Wine Stopper 

Out of habit of my single days, I still buy the big bottles of wine, even though I've gotten to the point where I'm good after two glasses a week, as opposed to two glasses an hour after a hard day of work. We registered for a Rabbit wine opener kit that came with suction wine stoppers and I thought keeping wine fresh days longer was just swell! I still have a bottle from Christmas eve that I know will be just as good when I unstop it.  

Jott

I'll remember random to-do items at the wrong time, like when I'm driving, or when I'm halfway through something else or when I just don't have a pencil or piece of paper to write it down. So I started using Jott a few months ago. It's great, I'll set up text message reminders, to-do lists, alarms, all from my cell phone or computer (or, of course, from my iGoogle page). I have my dentist appt. today, which I wouldn't have remembered if I didn't Jott it six months ago. http://jott.com UPDATE: As of Feb. 1, Jott will no longer be offering a free service, once they are out of BETA testing. Hhmph!

American Heart Association Low-Fat Low-Cholesterol Cookbook

Because of my dad's medical history, my cholesterol was recently tested, although I didn't expect to have anything wrong with it. When I got the call saying it was on the high side of normal, I decided to lower it. When I looked in the dietary cookbook section of the bookstore, it seemed most diet books cared more about high protein/high fat/low carb diets (idiots) than about heart health in general. I finally found the shelf with the AHA books and sighed in relief. When I saw this cookbook, I picked it up and went to the kitchen right away (after spending an absurd amount of money at the grocery store...because we had a lot of junk in our fridge, and not enough good stuff). After cooking three dishes and packing them into easy-to-grab Gladware, I began the "diet". Before I knew it, I was losing weight without trying. None of the dishes are more than 400 calories, so I finally found the secret to staying on a 1,200 calorie diet and feeling satisfied. Plus, I get to accomplish my resolution of cooking more. Oh, and the Spinach Stuffed Pizza was AMAZING. Even my husband liked it! (Note: I have the 2nd edition, however the link provided is for a more recent version.) Amazon.com  

Gmail

Come on, if you haven't signed up for Gmail yet, what are you waiting for? Oh, sure, I had Yahoo! as my e-mail account for ages, but once I switched to Gmail, my e-mails because much easier to handle and deal with, plus, I've noticed a lot less spam. mail.google.com

The Annual 10

...Yes, yes, I'm back after a very busy month. I kept myself away from my blog because I have been busy all month making (almost) all of my Christmas presents in December. And every time I wanted to blog, it would be about something I made, and I didn't want to give anything away.

But, now that that's over, I'll do my holiday bragging in the next few posts.

This post will contain my annual 10 Resolutions of 2009.

Every year, I don't just make one resolution; I make 10. Usually, I can get myself to accomplish at least one, no matter how small. But in looking at 2008, I realized that unless I write them down somewhere, I forget what they are and I can't track my progress. At least in 2006, I wrote them down and was able to follow just one: I was going to get into the habit of using my shoe rack (I told you they were small), and I did it! And, in 2007, I wanted to read more. And, had I not had all those bridal magazines, I probably wouldn't have done as well as I did! So, here's to the shoe rack and bridal magazine resolutions of 2009!

1. Lose 20 lbs.

I say that every year. No, really, I do. And every year, I look at the scale December 31st and smile anyway. Because I know in the fluctuations of my weight, if all the numbers were totalled up, I probably lost more than 20 lbs. ...However, in totalling these numbers, I probably gained more than 20 lbs., as well. One of these years, I'm going to have to add "...and keep it off!" to the end of that resolution. Maybe I'll do that next year.

2. Write More

Hell, I started this blog for a reason. I like my thoughts, I think other people should hear them (or, read them, in this case). Oh, and I'm not allowed to count Twitter as writing.

3. Keep Better Track of My Finances

As I was writing that resolution, I remembered the organizer I spend $20 on last year to become more organized. And, in my January 1st panic of "Holy sh*t, I'm getting married this year!!!", I was able to get tons of information I needed for my planner. After July, however, the planner was only used on occasion (mainly to check when my next paycheck was coming in). I may not get another huge planner, but at least I'll try to stay organized.

4. Write My Wedding Thank You Cards

Yes, yes, I know it's been five months. But, if anyone says anything, I will gladly send them a photocopy of my carefully preserved Emily Post column that states couples have a year to send out thank you cards. I thought, for a while, because I wrote all the shower thank you cards, my husband could write the ones for the wedding. Ah, the lessons of marriage.

5. Cook More

This is my project-resolution. I really don't mind cooking. In fact, when I cook, I find I don't overeat because by the time it's ready, I'll have looked at it for so long, I'm bored with it and not hungry. I just haven't been cooking very much because of time (excuse), convenience of delivery (a little closer to the truth), I'm afraid (ding! ding! ding!). Yeah, I'm afraid of cooking. I get  very anxious when I have a time constraint put on cooking. Basically, we cook/order food when we're hungry. We don't think ahead to start preparing something before the fact. So, I have this fear if I screw up dinner and there's nothing to eat, I've failed. Also, I have mini food fears. I worry I haven't cooked chicken all the way through and my husband will get salmonella and die. I worry I won't know if the milk has gone bad and my husband will get a stomachache and die. I worry the heat from the oven will get too hot, pieces of glass from the casserole dish will break off into the food, and my husband will eat it and it'll rip up his stomach and he'll die. ...Basically, I worry about killing my husband with food. But, this year, I'm determined to get in the kitchen and at least get dinner ready a few nights a week...and overcooked the chicken, buy new milk every day, and watch those tricky casserole dishes the whole time they're in the oven. (A friend suggested I have a few drinks before I cook. That might work, too.)

6. Take A Class

I hate to admit it to my "Mom-I-don't-feel-so-well-I-think-I-should-stay-home" self, but I miss school. I wondered for a while if it was the social aspect of it, and I realized it really wasn't (more on that later). I wondered if it was the changing schedule I enjoyed, but then remembered the nights I would get out of class and work six more hours, wishing I had a nice 9-to-5. I was shocked when I found myself looking for park & rec classes one day while I was at work. I realized, that's what I wanted; I needed a new skill to practice (other than not killing my husband with my cooking).

Because I hinted very heavily to my husband that I wanted a sewing machine for Christmas (and he got the hint!!!), I realized within the first few days of trying to use it that I only remember a few basics from home ec in middle school. I remembered how to thread the machine (well, more like I remembered how to read the instructions that comes with something before attempting anything with it), and I was able to get a few stitches down. My first project was two napkins I sewed together. I ran out to show my husband, saying, "Look what I made, honey! I made 2-ply!" He didn't find it as funny as I did, and said, "I better not have paid for a sewing machine so you can make us fancier paper napkins."

The next day, I went to the fabric store, got a pattern for pajama pants (easy, right?) and some flannel and got to work. However, once I cut the pattern and began piecing together what I had, I realized I had made a dire mistake: I hasn't flipped the pattern over and I had two left legs and no leftover fabric. That night, I looked up a sewing class I could take for a few weeks, and I plan to sign up as soon as registration opens.

7. Weed Out People I Don't Need In My Life

There are just too many people I feel guilt over not talking to, and I'm too busy worrying about the ones that I do talk to who just aggravate me. Personally, I was never one for giving up friendships, and I had to do a lot of editing and categorizing when I was making the guest list for my wedding. But, it's gotten to the point in a lot of relationships I have with people that I've realized I actually do not like spending time with them. Granted, my husband and I have become homebodies in the past few months, but I wouldn't mind occasionally going out, if I knew there would be a good conversation to go out to. So, to do a spin off of Bridget Jones, I will not [put up with relationships with] any of the following: alcoholics, snobaholics, everything-phobics, people with baggage or hangups, Me-Me-Me-Me-sogynists, dramalomaniacs, raging maniacs, shallow-ists, complete fuckwits or freeloaders, converts. (Read the book, you'll get the reference; the movie doesn't do it justice.)

8. Drink More Water

I think this is the third year in a row I've said this. I just don't like the taste of it! It's boring! Don't tell me to put a lemon in it, either. I went through a very long phase in college where that was all I drank, partly for financial reasons and partly because of some myth I heard about it speeding up metabolism. But I got sick of it really quickly. Once people were used to hearing me order it that way, and ordering it for me before I got to the table, I realized I was over it. But, for me to really drink more water, I just have to drink one cup a day. Seriously, that's how little water I drink now! It's surprising I've rarely been dehydrated.

9. Moisturize

As much as I hate to admit it, I've gotten to the age when I need to moisturize more. And, as the saying I heard five years ago echoes in my head, "once you realize you should be moisturizing, you're already five years too late".

10. Reconnect With The Single Me

In a few days, I'll find out if my husband is being sent overseas for a year again. When I heard about the 90 percent chance, I was a mess. A whole year. And he would be leaving shortly after our anniversary, not to mention the two months prior he would be spending in training in Texas. I kept waiting for the little voice inside of me to say, "I can't go on without him," but somewhere I think a part of me is squashing that. There's still a part of me I thought I wouldn't have to use again, but I'm glad it stuck around. It was the part that says, "If you can't live without someone else, you're not really living you're own life." I loved being single. And not in a sense of single-without-strings or anything like that, I enjoyed my own company, I could spend a week alone in my old apartment completely on my own schedule. It may sound selfish, but I look at some of my single friends who are constantly trying to make themselves into other people, just to get attention. I never thought doing that would land any sort of security and real love, so I was content to do what I wanted to do.

Of course, I hope that 10 percent chance does happen. There's a difference between can't live without someone and not wanting to with one's whole heart. But, in preparation for worst case scenario, I want to know I'll be able to deal with not seeing the love of my life every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed. If there was a resolution I have the most faith in keeping, it would be this one.

Happy new year, readers!

(And, for those of you who have given up on resolutions, or have already broken yours, here's an article on why resolutions don't work...clearly, these people haven't made 10 of them each year!)

I Got Soap in My Head

After trying to regain the time I felt I lost yesterday by sleeping late and becoming overly-lethargic because of the broken A/C at work, I woke up an extra 15 minutes early today. I flawlessly applied my make-up, going a little darker than I normally would wear to work; I picked out an outfit I know looks fine, although being that I'm wearing it all day, I think it's too busy for me; and I made sure I washed, dried and styled my hair to perfection. With the last curl and spritz I was about to do, I realized what I had become, or, more accurately, what I was striving for: I was starting to resemble a soap opera character.

I was turning into someone with an androgynous name like Dixyn or Varmel, who took all day to shop for an outlet cover for their homes, without going to work at all and having tons of money from my several dead/estranged/gender-confused husbands. I probably also had a child when I was 19, who, through the magic of soap-time, is now 15 and possibly pregnant with twins from two different fathers.

Then I started wondering if I would be a good girl or villain. I was hoping for the latter, as they have more fun, more sex, more money, and don't have to bother themselves with trying to please everyone. But, at the same time, I know too many people who fit into the category of "villain" in what would be my soap-opera-life. Maybe I would be an undetermined character.

Oh, who was I kidding. I am the fat soap star, who gets the network praised on hiring "not another size 4" for a role. I'd probably get nominated for best supporting actress at the daytime Emmys for being the "big girl in a small role". Har har har, oh the speechwriters would pat themselves on the back for that one.

Oh god, I remembered the more I thought about the situation. I was channelling my inner WASP, as they tend to strive to have the lifestyles soap characters do. My aunt actually got her "interior design knowledge" from soap operas.

What if I wasn't even on a good soap? What if I was on one of the poorly-slotted little-known name soaps that have only been around for a few years? Something with a name like "Glistening Virtues" or "Soaring Lillies". What if I were forced to wear the same outfit for four days straight, while still shopping for that one outlet cover to match my French drapes and coat of armor in my foyer? What if I had a foyer?!

No, no, no. This has gotten out of hand. I'm just not used to being this prepared every morning. I'm just getting back into the habit I threw away over my long weekend. People really do this, right? Emily P. vs. Emily A. isn't unrealistic, right? I did forget to put perfume on this morning; I'm not perfect. I am flawed today. Not to mention the scale not moving for about a week, whether I'm on my diet or not. Soap stars lose weight quickly; in soap opera time, I would have lost 30 pounds in 10 days, considering every day lasts about five in real time. And weekends wouldn't count. And my weight-loss efforts would be futile, since I would be kidnapped at some point and forced to gain the weight back so people would be able to tell the difference between me and my evil twin.

I wonder if my Emily P./Emily A. scenario is sort of like my evil twin storyline. Emily P. wasn't necessarily evil. She had her moments, but then again so will Emily A., I'm sure of. And maybe real-me wouldn't need soap opera husbands because my husband displays too many different personalities depending on the day. And, although I've been re-applying my shiny lip gloss all day, I know I won't make a habit of it. And my small-talks with people won't come back as a plot revelation later in the week; it'll just stay small-talk. And my moments alone in the house will be some of my most enjoyable times, not some fancy fund-raiser with all the big names in town when I'm being honored for being writer of the year for a book I've clearly been doing during my offtime raising my estranged child, spending money decorating my chateau, or having coffee conversations about my friends' ex-husbands, possible fathers of their children, coniving sisters or vindictive mothers-in-law.

A Night of Relaxation

Oh, the joy of marriage. The joy of having someone to come home to. Someone with the same intellect. The same dreams. The same motivation (or lack thereof some days). The love that will always be there whenever anything comes along. But they never mentioned the little things that truly show loving all of a person:

The different tastes in music.

The different definitions of a "night in".

The different tell-tale signs of annoyance, anger, joy, etc.

The different little things that drive each other up the wall.

The sheer fact that I'm typing is driving him up the wall, I know it. So, the question is, do I type softer because I can see his hand raising to his forehead, pretending that I am slowly draining his work-ability with every stroke of the keyboard? Or do I continue, pretending to be oblivious that the spacebar has about twice the volume of the regular keys. Basically, the fact that he doesn't want to do his work right now is being channeled into being angry about the keystrokes. And I love him. I really do. I'm not doing something for work, so obviously, the lesson plans he's working on should be my main priority and I should be sitting on the couch in the other room merely reading my book I just got.

I tried to put on my new jazz CD, my one impulse buy during my $200 shopping spree at Wal-Mart the other day. With that, he turned and asked "what's that?" "It's jazz, you dumbass." No, I didn't say it outloud; I said the obligatory, "I'm sorry, does it bother you?" "Yes." And with that, he turned his back to me. Oh, because watching "Family Guy" for two hours and then saying "Whatever, I'm not doing this tonight, I'll get up early to do it" really gets in the way even more than "Moonlight Serenade".

But I do praise his motivation right now to learn grammar, albeit from an author who is 100 years old and doesn't adhere to what is the most recently accepted as correct. Whatever. Let him read a book by some pretentious grammar Nazi who was probably given a book deal to shut her up for a few weeks so she wouldn't correct everybody she came in contact with.

He just turned around to settle an argument we had weeks ago.

"By the way, [one of his favorite phrases to let me know something he just learned] it is correct to use both Joneses AND Jones' when talking plural and possessive."

I just rolled my eyes and said, "Don't get me started on what I already think of that author."

With that he turned around, confident he had some backup to his claim weeks ago.

Five minutes later, "Oh, hell no! She used an apostrophe in 1960s! I should just throw this book out the window."

"Is she talking possessively about the year 1960?"

(Scurrying to find the page again in the strewn book) "'the 1960's' One-nine-six-zero-apostrophe-'s'. No, she's an idiot."

"Someone gave her a book deal with shut her pretentious, over-correcting mouth for a few weeks," I said, proud to have what I had just written in front of me so I could get out that gem.

"Bet it didn't help."

"Probably not."

At least my typing doesn't annoy him anymore. And I understand the frustration he feels as an English teacher. Grammar and punctuation doesn't just come to people overnight; you either have a gift for it or you have to learn it step-by-step. And it's a long tedious process, for both the teacher and the student. I'm more concerned with letting him know, in teaching exclamation points, that two or more is ridiculous. Hopefully, they won't fall into the MySpace/Facebook trap of cramming their posts with excessive exclamation points.

Party Planning

So, it's been decided that we're having a Halloween party. I had one two years ago and it was, by far, the best party I've ever had. So, because I've already planned the party, I don't really need to figure out what to do this time...and that means I have more time to plan my costume! Of course, nothing right now looks good. But I did find this, which I love. But, then again, all girls love '80s-era John Cusack.

And then I found this one!

Day off!

So, I feel like something of a hypocrite right now. Yesterday, I was practically gushing about waking up early. But then today was the first day in more than two weeks I was able to turn off my alarm clock and sleep in, thanks to our office deciding we should have a four-day weekend. And, what time did I end up getting up? 1:20 p.m.

Granted, I let myself go out last night until last call at a bar with some friends. But it's not like I was passed out; I had water the whole time. (No money for much else.) I think I just needed the sleep, too.

So when I woke up finally, I had to do something big. So, I decided to stencil the kitchen.

After looking [in vain] for a half hour for the stencil I bought months ago, I went back to the craft store to buy another.

Once I got back, I transformed this:

To this:

With that finished, I needed to add the final touch I had wanted to add before we even closed on the house:

Now, before you judge the fact we haven't painted the windows yet, please look at what the kitchen looked like right after we moved in (sorry, I had gotten excited and started ripping as much wallpaper off the wall as I could the first day):