Things I Want To Be Awesome At

I've started a mental list in my head of things I want to be awesome at, as the title of the this post suggests. My husband and I have started talking about kids and, for some reason, the thought no longer scares me. I guess I am starting to feel like an adult...most of the time. But, for some reason, I have this '50s housewife stereotype stuck in my head of things I want to be able to do before having kids. And, I know this image is kind of outdated, but I still can't escape it. So, instead of trying to rebel against it, I've decided to embrace it, and try my hardest to at least get the basics down I feel I would need to accomplish the stereotype.

I want to be able to sew a dress without a pattern

This, of course, would probably require I go out and buy a basic pattern and some fabric first, right? Yeah...I guess so. But I have this image that one day, I'll be at work and my husband will call and tell me we're having company over for hors d'oeuvres and brandy and I'll tell him I have nothing to wear. So, I picture myself stopping at JoAnn fabric on the way home and, as my mini-quiches and tartlets are cooking, I'll whip up a snazzy, casual little dress. This scenario may never play out in my life. ...but there's always the small hope it would. And, somehow, I picture Mr. and Mrs. Tate coming over later, exclaiming how lovely my house is and that my husband sure came through on that advertising deal. If only I could learn to wiggle my nose, I'd be all set for this scenario.

I want to be able to pull off red lipstick

I feel like red lipstick ages, but not in a good way. It's like, if you can pull of red lip stick, you're old enough to wear it. If you're not old enough to wear it, no matter how perfect it may be applied, you still look like you've gone and played in your mother's makeup bag again. I get away with the occasional red gloss for some pop. And, luckily, it usually wears off after a few hours. But I tried the red lipstick look once for my friend's wedding. And I felt like I was so close to pulling it off. But I still didn't feel right about it. Maybe because it's not an every day look for me...but one day, I will be able to pull of red lipstick.

I want to be able to set the perfect table

I was at a friend's wedding shower a few weeks ago and I noticed the catering staff's way of pulling a tablecloth askew on half of the table and laying out the food just so, as if it were being photographed for a spread in some upscale magazine I would never buy, but secretly skim at a book store. Personally, I don't think the tiny twinges of OCD would tolerate half my dining room table covered with a table cloth that looked like it could fall off at any moment. I would most likely adjust it until it lay perfectly balanced. But I did decide I would start looking at table cloths in general, just so I don't end up having to explain the white heat marks I made (somewhat) better this weekend.

I want to be able to grow and maintain flowers

I'm getting there! I actually planted Forget-Me-Nots a few months ago in my window boxed on my front porch that have actually sprouted. I figure in a few weeks, they will look somewhat decent, although I didn't know Forget-Me-Nots grew so exceptionally tall...they kind of look out of place.

I want to be able to know where everything is in my house

I have an upstairs room I store my random things: scraps of fabric from a pair of pajama pants I tried to make and was halfway through until I realized I forgot to flip the pattern and I sewed two left legs; my yoga mat and DVDs I was crazy about in January, but have since given up on because I realized I was not relaxed when I was yelling at the instructors every time they said

"hold it just a few more seconds..."; books I intend to put on a shelf but won't until I get the rest of them out of my sister-in-law's attic; CDs...somewhere. Needless to say, I need to do an inventory of what I have upstairs and in the basement. Everything on the first floor is pretty much accounted for.

I want to be able to maintain a daily 10 minute clean

I have the instructions, but actually getting around to doing it at the end of the day seems to be the least appealing thing in the world. Hell, I've had two of my pillows in the dryer for two days now that I'm procrastinating bringing upstairs and putting back in their case. And my dishwasher, well, I keep hoping one day my husband will want to put the dishes away without me asking...but I think that's a pipe dream I need to get out of my head.

I want to learn the lyrics to at least 10 songs

I have a mental list of songs I want to be able to sing to my children. Offhand, I can only name three of them, but I know them when I hear them on my iPod. What I'd like to be able to do is learn the lyrics so I can sing them without having to substitute the words "something, something, love you something, something," which I tend to do when I completely blank on lyrics. I think karaoke spoiled me from having to learn lyrics. Either that, or I've been disappointed when I find the lyrics I've been singing for years is completely wrong. Case in point: After watching all five seasons of "Saved By The Bell" last week on DVD, I finally learned the words weren't "and the lawn gets out of waterin'", but were, in fact, "and the alarm lets out a warning." Not that I would put my children to bed singing the theme to "SBTB", but you never know.

I want to be able to change a diaper

Yeah, that's right, I've never actually done it on a live child before. Oh, sure, I had a flour baby and could easily put a diaper on a sack of flour, with one hand even. But an actual squirming, crying, wet and soiled child? No, never done it. I think I was afraid I'd secretly like it and start listening to my biological clock. Well, now that I've actually started noticing my biological clock, I seem to think it's with me when I have the irrational nightmare of pulling an Andrew Clark from "The Breakfast Club" and taping the child's buns together instead of the diaper. I'll get to it, I swear...

I want to be able to put together a delicious dinner in 30 minutes or less

Amendment to this statement: And not have to listen to anyone say "Yummo" or "E-V-O-O". God, I hate Rachael Ray. Hate. I would watch her on mute if I could. But, then again, I would want to be able to make these meals from scratch, too. Some of her stuff is pre-made she uses. Yeah, I'm kind of a perfectionist when it comes to cooking. I've baked and decorated my share of cakes, and I always feel so guilty when people tell me how good they are. I should be sending these compliments to Duncan Hines, actually. Oh, sure, the decorating is all me...but the cake is a mix+eggs+oil and my Kitchen Aide mixer, let's be honest. But I can decorate it like a champ!

One day, I may accomplish these goals. The red lipstick, well, that's the one that'll take some time...

Boycott Hugging

I've decided to give up hugging in 2009. Resolution No. 11. The only person I want to hug unconditionally is my husband. And maybe family, however my dad's side doesn't hug and I like it that way. Lately, every time my husband and I go to the bar, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach because I know I'll be in for a lot of hugging. Maybe it's the theater crowd who usually go, and their inclinations to hug because "none of us got enough love in our childhoods". But I, on the other hand, "could never be a [hugging] person!" This will be a crusade, maybe even a T-shirt I'll make, that will go on all year long.

Reasons:

1. Just because fat people give good hugs doesn't mean we like doing it.

Hugging a fat person is like eating comfort food: we're warm, we're soft, we're squishy, we're full of carbs and cheese. But that doesn't mean we like doing it.

2. A smile and maybe a wave will suffice.

I saw you come in, don't worry. I'm aware of your presence. I will greet you accordingly.

3. A hug is just a cheap thrill for people in need of being touched.

Get a significant other. Or a puppy.

4. A line usually forms. No one likes lines.

What are you, the DMV? I have to wait in line to hug you? Forgive me for not rushing to do so right away.

5. Some people take it a little too far.

A hug, I can tolerate. What next? We'll become European and kiss on both cheeks? Hell, why don't we put together little beds and have sex as a way of greeting!

6. Maybe I don't like you that much.

OK, this is on the cruel side, I know. But, let's face it, in everybody's circle of friends, there are the people that are inevitable that you can't really get rid of completely. And, in order to keep the sanctity of the group, all must hug or else the drama will start.

7. "Didn't I just see you yesterday?"

Honestly, I can understand hugging if you haven't seen the person in a while. But, every time? I see most of these people on a semi-regular basis. Must the hugging insanity continue?

8. Spot the fake hug.

What's the point of giving hugs at all when there are so many so-called huggers who phone it in? There are the huggers who stick their asses out for all to see, as if they needed another excuse to do so. There are the one handed huggers who could care less (they should be the first to jump on my bandwagon). There are the bros with the handshake/backslap hug. Just admit it: you're not hugging people either!

9. Dress appropriately.

Don't come to me in the middle of January, wearing some Forever 21 skanky shirt and think you deserve a hug. I could show off the goods too, you know--although, Forever 21 hasn't made a shirt that accents my "sparkling personality" yet. But layers should be appreciated and implemented.

10. Ask yourself: "Do I really need a hug?"

Your dog died. Hug. You got into a car accident. Hug. You're just in a bit of a funk. Hug. Sometimes, you just need a hug. And that's FINE. When that happens, give me a call and I'll be the first in line to smother you with my carbs-and-cheesey goodness. There are reasons for hugs, but the overuse of hugs is just getting a little too redundant for me, thank you.

I am looking into the prospect of making this a national campaign, don't worry. boycotthugging.org is not a taken domain, just in case anyone would like to take this to the web, hint, hint. For now, however, I'll just wait for the facebook groups to start...

Top 10 Discoveries of 2008

iGoogle

At first, I was resigned to be completely against Google's insistence I sign up for iGoogle. I was happy having my simple Google search as my home page. Finally, I relented...and haven't looked back since. At first, it was the themes that got me. Then I began playing around with gadgets, then adding my other technological discoveries to my page, and now it seems I have the perfect iGoogle page, complete with a post-it note I update with projects from work so I have it at my fingertips. igoogle.com  

Dropbox

I hated having certain pictures and documents only available to me on certain computers. And I never remembered to e-mail myself files I would need between home and work. Finally, I downloaded Dropbox, an online archive of files that are easily accessible to any computer you happen to sign onto. This is especially useful for the random pictures I'll find at work and put into the folder "Work Pictures", which I'll forget about, but get a smile whenever I open at home. https://www.getdropbox.com/  

Blogger

Finally, somewhere to put the many thoughts I have during my two hours in the car by myself every day, going to-and-from work. blogger.com  

Bare Escentuals

I was never one to buy real makeup. My cousin gave me some Cover Girl one Christmas when I was younger and I never thought I needed anything else. Soon, I was old enough to buy my own makeup, but I never really wore it except for special occasions. Then I got into the habit of putting it on in the car before work. For my wedding, I was convinced by one of my bridesmaids to go to Macy's and get Mac. Well, what I found out about Mac was it was invented by a drag queen, which I thought was funny. Then, I found out on our honeymoon how, even though the coverage was great, my pores were not as "fabulous" as they should. I blamed it on the Hawaii humidity, but I knew it was the makeup that made me break out. Soon after, my friend turned me onto Bare Minerals. I was hesitant at first to spend $50 on the starter kit, but she guaranteed it would take me weeks to even see a dent in it. To its credit, I went through the foundation in about three months, but I still have most of my original warmer and mineral powder, plus it came with the brushes. Soon, my breakouts were few and far between, and I was getting actual compliments on my skin--people thought it was naturally flawless. I thought Mac had great coverage, but B.E. was even better. And, after buying the first kit, I was buying the eye kits, and getting even more compliments--even from my Mac-obsessed bridesmaid! www.bareescentuals.com

Google Reader 

I began a morning ritual when I got to work, before I could really start working. I would check my e-mail; post my schedule on my iGoogle page; print out what I needed to work on for the day; check Mental_Floss and woosk; get a few pages done, then take another surfing break; check Dumb Little Man, Zen Habits, bits and pieces; do some more work; have lunch and surf some more, checking Miss Cellania, Cracked, Lovely Listings, Cake Wrecks; get back to work; take another break and check Vanity Plates, Fail Blog, MakeUseOf, Baby Squared (my cousin's awesome blog about her twins) Lifehacker; finish any work I need to; check Listropolis, Stepcase Lifehack, 43 Folders, Indexed; make sure I have whatever I need done for the next day.

Basically, I had gotten addicted to blog reading throughout the day. Of course, I would put work first, but I also never had a spare moment when I wasn't checking my blogs...I turned into the equivalent of one of those women who can't miss her "stories". Ironically, if you'll notice, a lot of the blogs I read are productivity blogs. Even though they all recommended Google Reader, I didn't think I read enough blogs to constitute needing Reader. I did have most of these blogs in separate Gadgets on my iGoogle page, but soon I wanted to simplify my page, so I succumbed to Google Reader. Now that I have it, it takes me maybe 10 minutes in the morning to go through the posts I've missed, and I don't have to worry about having to remember Web addresses, missing anything, or going through two weeks of posts because I've temporarily forgotten about the blog. Pretty soon, I was finding the RSS feed on every Web page I visiting, and adding it to my Reader. Now, I'll sign on in the morning and have at least 60 news posts to keep me busy in the morning, and more throughout the day. Imagine how much fun I've had on my vacation when I haven't been on the computer as much. www.google.com/reader

Baby Wipes

On one of my many blogs, I read about the makeup removing benefits of using baby wipes. I've fallen in love with Huggies All Natural wipes for my face. There are so many mornings (more than I'd like to admit) I wake up too late for a full face wash and grab the wipes and go.

Suction Wine Stopper 

Out of habit of my single days, I still buy the big bottles of wine, even though I've gotten to the point where I'm good after two glasses a week, as opposed to two glasses an hour after a hard day of work. We registered for a Rabbit wine opener kit that came with suction wine stoppers and I thought keeping wine fresh days longer was just swell! I still have a bottle from Christmas eve that I know will be just as good when I unstop it.  

Jott

I'll remember random to-do items at the wrong time, like when I'm driving, or when I'm halfway through something else or when I just don't have a pencil or piece of paper to write it down. So I started using Jott a few months ago. It's great, I'll set up text message reminders, to-do lists, alarms, all from my cell phone or computer (or, of course, from my iGoogle page). I have my dentist appt. today, which I wouldn't have remembered if I didn't Jott it six months ago. http://jott.com UPDATE: As of Feb. 1, Jott will no longer be offering a free service, once they are out of BETA testing. Hhmph!

American Heart Association Low-Fat Low-Cholesterol Cookbook

Because of my dad's medical history, my cholesterol was recently tested, although I didn't expect to have anything wrong with it. When I got the call saying it was on the high side of normal, I decided to lower it. When I looked in the dietary cookbook section of the bookstore, it seemed most diet books cared more about high protein/high fat/low carb diets (idiots) than about heart health in general. I finally found the shelf with the AHA books and sighed in relief. When I saw this cookbook, I picked it up and went to the kitchen right away (after spending an absurd amount of money at the grocery store...because we had a lot of junk in our fridge, and not enough good stuff). After cooking three dishes and packing them into easy-to-grab Gladware, I began the "diet". Before I knew it, I was losing weight without trying. None of the dishes are more than 400 calories, so I finally found the secret to staying on a 1,200 calorie diet and feeling satisfied. Plus, I get to accomplish my resolution of cooking more. Oh, and the Spinach Stuffed Pizza was AMAZING. Even my husband liked it! (Note: I have the 2nd edition, however the link provided is for a more recent version.) Amazon.com  

Gmail

Come on, if you haven't signed up for Gmail yet, what are you waiting for? Oh, sure, I had Yahoo! as my e-mail account for ages, but once I switched to Gmail, my e-mails because much easier to handle and deal with, plus, I've noticed a lot less spam. mail.google.com

The Annual 10

...Yes, yes, I'm back after a very busy month. I kept myself away from my blog because I have been busy all month making (almost) all of my Christmas presents in December. And every time I wanted to blog, it would be about something I made, and I didn't want to give anything away.

But, now that that's over, I'll do my holiday bragging in the next few posts.

This post will contain my annual 10 Resolutions of 2009.

Every year, I don't just make one resolution; I make 10. Usually, I can get myself to accomplish at least one, no matter how small. But in looking at 2008, I realized that unless I write them down somewhere, I forget what they are and I can't track my progress. At least in 2006, I wrote them down and was able to follow just one: I was going to get into the habit of using my shoe rack (I told you they were small), and I did it! And, in 2007, I wanted to read more. And, had I not had all those bridal magazines, I probably wouldn't have done as well as I did! So, here's to the shoe rack and bridal magazine resolutions of 2009!

1. Lose 20 lbs.

I say that every year. No, really, I do. And every year, I look at the scale December 31st and smile anyway. Because I know in the fluctuations of my weight, if all the numbers were totalled up, I probably lost more than 20 lbs. ...However, in totalling these numbers, I probably gained more than 20 lbs., as well. One of these years, I'm going to have to add "...and keep it off!" to the end of that resolution. Maybe I'll do that next year.

2. Write More

Hell, I started this blog for a reason. I like my thoughts, I think other people should hear them (or, read them, in this case). Oh, and I'm not allowed to count Twitter as writing.

3. Keep Better Track of My Finances

As I was writing that resolution, I remembered the organizer I spend $20 on last year to become more organized. And, in my January 1st panic of "Holy sh*t, I'm getting married this year!!!", I was able to get tons of information I needed for my planner. After July, however, the planner was only used on occasion (mainly to check when my next paycheck was coming in). I may not get another huge planner, but at least I'll try to stay organized.

4. Write My Wedding Thank You Cards

Yes, yes, I know it's been five months. But, if anyone says anything, I will gladly send them a photocopy of my carefully preserved Emily Post column that states couples have a year to send out thank you cards. I thought, for a while, because I wrote all the shower thank you cards, my husband could write the ones for the wedding. Ah, the lessons of marriage.

5. Cook More

This is my project-resolution. I really don't mind cooking. In fact, when I cook, I find I don't overeat because by the time it's ready, I'll have looked at it for so long, I'm bored with it and not hungry. I just haven't been cooking very much because of time (excuse), convenience of delivery (a little closer to the truth), I'm afraid (ding! ding! ding!). Yeah, I'm afraid of cooking. I get  very anxious when I have a time constraint put on cooking. Basically, we cook/order food when we're hungry. We don't think ahead to start preparing something before the fact. So, I have this fear if I screw up dinner and there's nothing to eat, I've failed. Also, I have mini food fears. I worry I haven't cooked chicken all the way through and my husband will get salmonella and die. I worry I won't know if the milk has gone bad and my husband will get a stomachache and die. I worry the heat from the oven will get too hot, pieces of glass from the casserole dish will break off into the food, and my husband will eat it and it'll rip up his stomach and he'll die. ...Basically, I worry about killing my husband with food. But, this year, I'm determined to get in the kitchen and at least get dinner ready a few nights a week...and overcooked the chicken, buy new milk every day, and watch those tricky casserole dishes the whole time they're in the oven. (A friend suggested I have a few drinks before I cook. That might work, too.)

6. Take A Class

I hate to admit it to my "Mom-I-don't-feel-so-well-I-think-I-should-stay-home" self, but I miss school. I wondered for a while if it was the social aspect of it, and I realized it really wasn't (more on that later). I wondered if it was the changing schedule I enjoyed, but then remembered the nights I would get out of class and work six more hours, wishing I had a nice 9-to-5. I was shocked when I found myself looking for park & rec classes one day while I was at work. I realized, that's what I wanted; I needed a new skill to practice (other than not killing my husband with my cooking).

Because I hinted very heavily to my husband that I wanted a sewing machine for Christmas (and he got the hint!!!), I realized within the first few days of trying to use it that I only remember a few basics from home ec in middle school. I remembered how to thread the machine (well, more like I remembered how to read the instructions that comes with something before attempting anything with it), and I was able to get a few stitches down. My first project was two napkins I sewed together. I ran out to show my husband, saying, "Look what I made, honey! I made 2-ply!" He didn't find it as funny as I did, and said, "I better not have paid for a sewing machine so you can make us fancier paper napkins."

The next day, I went to the fabric store, got a pattern for pajama pants (easy, right?) and some flannel and got to work. However, once I cut the pattern and began piecing together what I had, I realized I had made a dire mistake: I hasn't flipped the pattern over and I had two left legs and no leftover fabric. That night, I looked up a sewing class I could take for a few weeks, and I plan to sign up as soon as registration opens.

7. Weed Out People I Don't Need In My Life

There are just too many people I feel guilt over not talking to, and I'm too busy worrying about the ones that I do talk to who just aggravate me. Personally, I was never one for giving up friendships, and I had to do a lot of editing and categorizing when I was making the guest list for my wedding. But, it's gotten to the point in a lot of relationships I have with people that I've realized I actually do not like spending time with them. Granted, my husband and I have become homebodies in the past few months, but I wouldn't mind occasionally going out, if I knew there would be a good conversation to go out to. So, to do a spin off of Bridget Jones, I will not [put up with relationships with] any of the following: alcoholics, snobaholics, everything-phobics, people with baggage or hangups, Me-Me-Me-Me-sogynists, dramalomaniacs, raging maniacs, shallow-ists, complete fuckwits or freeloaders, converts. (Read the book, you'll get the reference; the movie doesn't do it justice.)

8. Drink More Water

I think this is the third year in a row I've said this. I just don't like the taste of it! It's boring! Don't tell me to put a lemon in it, either. I went through a very long phase in college where that was all I drank, partly for financial reasons and partly because of some myth I heard about it speeding up metabolism. But I got sick of it really quickly. Once people were used to hearing me order it that way, and ordering it for me before I got to the table, I realized I was over it. But, for me to really drink more water, I just have to drink one cup a day. Seriously, that's how little water I drink now! It's surprising I've rarely been dehydrated.

9. Moisturize

As much as I hate to admit it, I've gotten to the age when I need to moisturize more. And, as the saying I heard five years ago echoes in my head, "once you realize you should be moisturizing, you're already five years too late".

10. Reconnect With The Single Me

In a few days, I'll find out if my husband is being sent overseas for a year again. When I heard about the 90 percent chance, I was a mess. A whole year. And he would be leaving shortly after our anniversary, not to mention the two months prior he would be spending in training in Texas. I kept waiting for the little voice inside of me to say, "I can't go on without him," but somewhere I think a part of me is squashing that. There's still a part of me I thought I wouldn't have to use again, but I'm glad it stuck around. It was the part that says, "If you can't live without someone else, you're not really living you're own life." I loved being single. And not in a sense of single-without-strings or anything like that, I enjoyed my own company, I could spend a week alone in my old apartment completely on my own schedule. It may sound selfish, but I look at some of my single friends who are constantly trying to make themselves into other people, just to get attention. I never thought doing that would land any sort of security and real love, so I was content to do what I wanted to do.

Of course, I hope that 10 percent chance does happen. There's a difference between can't live without someone and not wanting to with one's whole heart. But, in preparation for worst case scenario, I want to know I'll be able to deal with not seeing the love of my life every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed. If there was a resolution I have the most faith in keeping, it would be this one.

Happy new year, readers!

(And, for those of you who have given up on resolutions, or have already broken yours, here's an article on why resolutions don't work...clearly, these people haven't made 10 of them each year!)

Five Songs That Should Have Added A Pick Slide

I have to say, I get very nostalgic for the '90s whenever a power ballad comes on and I hear a pick slide. I think it's one of the most underestimated "techniques" in music, to be honest. It's like that random burst that re-focuses me on whatever song I'm listening to.

When I was driving home from work, I was listening to Rod Stewart's, Bryan Adams' and Sting's All For One (no joke, really) and I realized why I always felt so anxious and let down listening to it: It needs a pick slide!



Then, when traffic started moving, I found myself singing along to Michael Jackson's Black or White (watching the video just now definitely made me smile, too):



Then, I was switching highways when I decided Joan Jett's I Love Rock 'n' Roll needed a few pick slides, although with her random outbursts of "OOOOW!", Ms. Jett might feel threatened:


When I was almost home, I was worried I wouldn't have a good collection of songs to add to this blog...but luckily ZZ Top's Tush came on:


You may be wondering about the fifth song. Well, I saved the best for last. When it came on, I was thanking the iPod gods of Shuffle Songs. As if this song didn't have enough cliches (musical and otherwise) attached to it already:

Why Having a Blog is Better than Having Facebook/MySpace - Reasons 1-5

Reason #1 - I don't want to join a group with other people who like the same music I do.

In a blog, I can simply write: "I like Robbie Williams." And what is unwritten is: "If you don't like Robbie Williams, feel free to discuss in the comments section why you don't. Maybe I'll agree with you, maybe I won't." Also posted and understood: "Here is a video illustrating the points I have made about Robbie Williams being a great musician. You cannot help at least tapping your feet to his U.K. (read: better than the U.S. crap on the radio) rhythm."

Said Example:



Reason #2 - Blogs load faster and are usually less complicated than profiles.
Good Lord, people put too much on their pages! I can understand the background designs, the coordinating colors, but the bumper stickers, the virtual pet rocks, the "Save the Jackalope" applications, the "Join the Largest Facebook Group [of tools] Now!" groups, etc. If I'm actually looking at someone's profile, it's for some information, or to post a birthday greeting. and it's gotten to the point where I can't even find the comment wall anymore!

Reason #3 - Who are these people?
I'm pretty good at remembering names and faces...of people I've come into immediate contact with. I can probably still name every member of every class from kindergarten through 6th grade off the top of my head (and with the help of an hour or two...and maybe a glass of wine). I remember people I was friends with in middle school and high school. Maybe we had lockers right next to each other for all four years (I don't remember her name at all, now that I think about it!), but we never talked. So, if I don't respond immediately (or at all) to your friend request, it's because I need to find and unpack my yearbooks so I can look you up. Or, if you're a friend-of-a-friend, at least leave a comment as to why I would know you. With blogs, there is no small talk, no "how have you been-fine-oh good-how are you-good-well, that's nice" type dealings. It's a blog! No need for small talk, the information is right there!

Reason #4 - Stalking is a lot more detailed through a blog.
Well, it is! I mean, what can people really find out about me through my Facebook profile?
"Status change! She got married? I should ask her 'how's married life?' because I'm sure she doesn't hear that at least once a day!"
vs.
"Ah-ha! A post labeled 'marriage'!...oh, her and her husband are too funny. I guess they're doing well."

Reason #5 - Nothing really changes on profile pages.
No, really. It doesn't. The general information stays the same. Sure, people will change their pictures every so often, and I know those who break up with people using the status option, and then there are those who just can't join enough groups.

In blog terms, they can change their user icon, depending on the post; they can find the humor in their status change and write about it, giving a laugh (or cry) to others; and, as far as groups go, see reason No. 1--you might as well just write a post every time you decide you like or don't like something. But, then again, imagine reading a blog made up entirely of posts like "I like soup. That is all." "I don't like Facebook's new layout." "I remember when Jessie got hooked on caffeine pills." "I DO know the way to San Jose, la la la la la la la la la laaaa." (Actually, that's not a bad idea for a blog...My Idea! No Can Have!)

10 Universal Truths...

...or, at least they're universal to me.

1. Signals are on the car or a reason.
Or, at least they're on the less expensive cars sold outside Fairfield county. Apparently, if you own a Mercedes, Lexus, Bentley, or anything that costs more than $60,000, signals are an option that aren't available on even the most expensive models, I guess. Right? Am I wrong? I've never been in one. I drive a Kia and can't imagine not letting other drivers around me know where I'm going. Oh, and doing so before I put on my brake lights is an Amendment to this Universal Truth.

2. Dick Wolf should be considered a form of torture.
Oh, but it's sooo good. It's like, my husband and I watch an episode of "Law & Order: SVU" and we're always on the edge of our seats for all 60 minutes, than when we get attached to the characters and the stories and Dick Wolf twists our arms and as soon as we see the black screen with his name, we exclaim, "Damn you, Dick Wolf!" Immediately after, we search for another DVR'ed episode we haven't seen, as if to say, "Thank you, sir, may we have another!"

3. If we just sit down to dinner, the phone will ring, and it won't be for me.
No matter how late we eat, my husband will get a call from someone. It will only end when I'm finished eating and it's time to clean up. But, then again, I hate the phone so I'm not that perturbed when it's not for me.

4. If I wake up late, I will either be low on gas or cigarettes.
This means I will hold myself up having to get them on my way to work, making myself feel even more late. If I wake up early, I will have an adequate amount of both gas and cigarettes, then I'll have to find ways to kill time so I won't get to work super early and the day will drag.

5. If I'm doing laundry, the shirt/pants/underwear I'll want to wear that day will be in the washer or dryer at that moment.
It's just inevitable. I may not even think I have worn it in the past two weeks, but somehow it will end up in my laundry and I'll have to do some last minute planning on an outfit.

6. If I've been tired all day and can genuinely see myself easily taking a nap when I get home, plans will pop up and we will end up being out late.
It's very rare I'm tired at work and not get my second wind on the ride home, simply because I'm not at my desk anymore. But the days I can't keep myself awake on the ride home, I know I'll be coming home to company and/or we'll end up going out somewhere.

7. If I've found I've lost weight (seemingly overnight), I'll be starving the whole day.
I'll end up eating whatever and whenever I want to that day as a sort of "reward", bringing my weight back up to what it previously was sans miracle overnight success. Oh, and it'll all be crap, too.

8. If I play hookie and take a sick day, I will get sick the next week.
I would feel badly for taking a sick day when I wasn't really sick and go to work, looking terrible. Although, this works in my favor sometimes; it gives my boss a chance to see what I'm like when I'm sick, therefore assuming I must have been even worse the week before. The phrase "trouper" comes into play. However, being sick still sucks, especially when I feel too guilty to lie in bed all day like I would like to.

9. It is a bad idea to buy more than one book at a time.
Once I get the two books, I can never decide which one to read first. It has gotten to the point where I end up not reading either. Or, I'll decide on one and mid-way through, I'll wonder if I decided to read the "wrong" book first, put it down and start the second, and never get back to the first because my mind has already been somewhere else for too long and I don't want to start over.

10. I only notice how anti-social I can be when an elevator is present.
I don't get uncomfortable easily. If I do, the feeling usually passes quickly. However, whenever I have to share an elevator with someone I'm not familiar with, I get all sorts of flustered. I'll have just gotten in the elevator and if I here someone coming, I'll press the Door Close button as quickly and as stealthily as possible to avoid sharing the elevator. It's a confined space and what will have been 15 seconds seems to last hours sometimes, especially if I've just come back from a cigarette and I can only imagine what the poor soul sharing this 3x3 space with me is thinking as they smell the tobacco on me. When I get to my floor and the doors open up, it's like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders.

Taking A Blonde Seriously

Note: Bottle-blondes, this does not apply to you.

There's no easy way to say this. It's a fact that's becoming more and more prevalent that blondes are completely underestimated. No, it's not paranoia; it's not poor-me syndrome; and it's not just a slight case of the "ditsies". It's a perpetual cycle of acting dumb so as not to come off different than people expect, followed by (or beginning with) someone meeting a blonde and having the preconceived expectation of hearing stupidity spewing out of said blonde's mouth.

Maybe it's 25 years of cynicism catching up to me. Maybe it's seeing girls dye their hair blond, thinking it'll be more appealing, then wondering why the guys they meet don't call back. Maybe it's the fact that no matter how intelligent of a conversation I can have with someone, they'll still say at the end of it "So, remember that time you didn't realize what a 'cizock' meant?" (And, for the record, as soon as I said it out loud, I realized the answer...)

So, I've started changing my mannerisms. I started dressing more "boring brunette" (yeah, stereotypes feel shitty, don't they?), and I stopped hiding my intelligence just to make others feel more comfortable around me (read: superior). Here are some tips I've begun to use:

1. Read more.

Pick up works you don't normally read. Find authors who write intelligently -- the more you get used to reading their work, the more comfortable you feel emulating their style of speech. If you don't know a word, look it up (and find its pronunciation!), then store it in your mind for future use; don't just use it to show off, either.

2. Compliment.

People expect blondes to be self-centered and shallow. Make sure if you like someone's shirt or their new haircut, or even something little like how they drive, make sure you say it out loud. Don't over-analyze the reaction to the compliment, either: "So, are you saying I don't wear nice earrings every day?" is not something you need to worry yourself with. Once people get used to your random compliments, they'll take them more seriously.

3. Stop. Playing. Dumb.

Yes, I'm still learning this lesson. Once you get used to feeling like you need to "dumb it down" to be liked, people get to know the real you. And, whether they like you shouldn't bother you. If you feel uncomfortable, train yourself to be empowered when the look of "what did she just say?" comes across their face, let it go. Again, the more you prove your intellectual worth, the sooner it'll become accepted. (I know, I know, you shouldn't have to prove your intellectual worth to anyone. I understand. However, those who perpetuate the dumb blonde stereotype are the ones who are making it worse for you, not the unknowing non-blonds who are surprised at your behavior.)

4. Lower your voice.

This is one of the weirdest pieces of advice I can give. This goes along with suggestion No. 3, though. The higher the register one's voice is, the easier it is to lose the voice in the crowd. Think about Marilyn Monroe. When you heard her high, squeaky voice singing or her kittenish whisper when she talked, did you roll your eyes? Did you admire how men flocked to her? (Did you secretly cling to the size 16 myth? Yes, myth.) Well, as much as I hate to inform you, unless you're part of a very, very small, almost minuscule, percentage of women who actually are physically programmed to have that voice, knock it off. If you find yourself constricting your throat, even a little, when you talk, it's not your real voice. To find something in your range, take a deep breath, fill your diaphragm, then sigh out loud. Believe it or not, that's more your natural register for speaking. And if you sing at all, you may be shocked to learn you'll have to learn how to harmonize in your lower register because those "blondes" on Broadway who squeak out their pop numbers are singing incorrectly. Nodes-alert! (Side note: altos are taken more seriously than sopranos anyway. Ask any director who has heard a squeaky "On My Own" at every audition sung by someone who would have gotten a better part had they sung a full-powered "When You're Good to Mama".)

5. Quit playing with your hair.

Do it in the morning. Move it out of your eyes. Fluff it in the bathroom. But stop twirling it. Stop adjusting it strand-by-strand at your desk. Stop picturing yourself in Finesse commercials whenever you take it out of a ponytail at the bar -- you know what I'm talking about.

6. Watch your man.

Don't get paranoid, but those who have the fashion sense to realize they don't look good as a blonde feel threatened by those who do. Their inferiority complex goes into overdrive and they think they'll feel better if they can outdo a blonde. If your man is the right man, you shouldn't feel threatened at all. But these brunettes need to be put in their place sometimes. Which leads me to...

7. Never allow someone else to make you feel bad without your permission.

Change the topic, then quietly pull the aggressor aside in private and let them know how you feel. If others begin to join in, take a deep breath and tell yourself they're only trying to make themselves more comfortable. A simple "it's funny how something as simple as hair color can bring so much joy to others" may suffice. But, if the topic doesn't change, make your point known. Don't just go along with it because the conversation is going well. That only means there's nothing better to talk about and your friends are not interesting or intellectual enough for you to be wasting your time with. If the situation progresses, get up and leave. You don't need to give an explanation if you've already made your point known.

8. Don't follow the crowd.

You think wine is more satisfying than beer? Order it, even if everyone else is drinking Coors Lite on tap. You're in the mood for salad, rather than wings and potato skins? Order it, even if you're perpetuating the stereotype of the anorexic blonde. (Sorry, I've never been thin enough to be put into that stereotype, so I don't really have advice for those girls.) You would rather listen to oldies than the same 10 songs played on WTUL over and over again? Do it, stating your opinion of those wouldn't-know-good-music-if-it-was-even-still-played-on-MTV stations. Make sure your opinions are known. Make sure you have your own opinions. Make sure you have your own reasons for basing your opinions on. And, most importantly, make sure you can back it up with fact, if needed. And, just as a general rule, if anyone is drinking, these are the topics never to discuss, even if you think everyone's in agreement with you: POLITICS, RELIGION or FAMILY. Trust me on this one. Bartenders are trained to smile and nod just for this reason. Keep the peace.

9. Bring out the blonde only when necessary.

It's true that it's a blessing and curse. There are crucial moments when bringing out the stereotype may be necessary to keep the peace, settle an argument, calm the drama, or lighten the mood. It's a form of comic relief, but used sparingly is the only way to use it. I asked my dad once how to be funny. He told me "timing is everything" and said when the time is right, I would know. He may have been watching Star Wars at the moment, now that I think about it, and he was trying to have a Yoda moment.

10. Always remember, you get what you put out.

The Golden Rule applies...and it's not just a clever pun to tie in with the hair color. (Actually, the Golden Rule is wash your hair immediately after swimming in a chlorinated swimming pool so it doesn't turn green, har har har.) You may feel insecure about trying to prove your self-worth, but putting someone else down is not the way to make yourself look better; in fact, it only gives people another reason to dislike you. And this time, they have a good reason if you resort to petty tactics.

Oh, and one more thing, because I know it confused you (don't feel bad, unless you're an editor and/or an irritable blonde, you may not know):
BLONDE is the noun for a female with blond hair.
BLOND is a noun for a male with blond hair AND used as an adjective.

Blonds can be used to mean plural men and women with blond hair.
Example: I am a blonde. He is a blond. My hair is blond.

Usinge ane "E" incorrectlye doesn'te makee youe blonde, ite juste makese youe stupide.

Rich Freida is a moron and has never experienced what calling products Brilliant Brunette, Radiant Redhead and then Sheer Blonde does to someone who's just heard her 100th dumb blonde joke of the evening. How the hell is "sheer" supposed to be a positive adjective to describe a person?

Screw This Diet!

I've officially thrown my hands up to the diet I was on for three weeks. Sure, I lost the honeymoon-weight...and then stopped. The scale won't budge. It moves, but stays within the same pound range, as far as ounces go. I'm going to finish the other three shakes I have, but not two a day anymore, mixed with little meals of fruits I'm sick of now. And screw that half-a-sandwich thing at lunch with a shake. That always pissed me off. It is NOT satisfying. I like my weird eating habits. Some days, I'm good and don't eat that much. Other days, I like enjoying a big lunch or a big breakfast here and there.

That just reminded me about a dream I had last night involving ordering French Toast and being so happy that I didn't even realize I had finished eating it. See, once I start dreaming about food, it means a diet is not working. That's my theory.

That said, I'll just add this to the list of my attempted-and-failed diets.

TOP TEN ATTEMPTED-AND-FAILED DIETS

10. Atkins/Low Carb
Basics: Keep away from anything with carbs, including fruits, apparently. Basically, everything you like, you can't have. I never bought the books or officially went on it, I tried to cut back for a while.
Why it didn't work: I love carbs. I LOVE bagels. Chicken is the only protein I feel comfortable cooking, it wasn't for me. My proteins are usually involved in some way with carbs. Hot dogs and hamburgers don't taste good unless they're on a bun! I even paid $30 for an eBook with the same basic diet. I was promised same-day e-mail responses from the author and a full refund if I wasn't satisfied. When I e-mailed a question, there was no e-mail the same day...or the next...or the next. I didn't even feel like asking for a refund because who knew how long that would take. They sure billed my credit card the same day, though. And no alcohol? Screw that.

9. Grapefruit Diet
Basics: A strict diet that includes some form of grapefruit with every meal.
Why it didn't work: I don't like grapefruits. Simple as that. I tried for one day to convince myself they weren't that bad. I lied to myself and I had acid reflux that night. I couldn't wait to wake up and have a bagel to calm my stomach.

8. The Water Diet
Basics: Water, water, water. Drink so much water you'll feel fuller, faster.
Why it didn't work: Peeing, peeing, peeing. Carrying the water around was a pain. I don't like to force anything into my mouth I don't want and I'm not a very thirsty person, to be honest. I know you need a ton of water, but my body never wants it, other than in the middle of the night and I drink a good 10 ounces then. Aside from that, I get my water in the form of diet soda or other foods. And I never felt full of water. I would want to pee so I could make room for actual food.

7. Birmingham Diet
Basics: It's a bunch of food I'm not crazy about for three days. Followed by four days of regular eating, whatever that means. Then repeated. Given to me by the guy at the counter at Planet Fitness in Stamford.
Why it didn't work: Not a very practical diet for someone who has to eat in public. A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg for lunch? The lunch counter guy thought I was nuts when I asked for this. Never returned to Planet Fitness in Stamford after that.

6. Some Diet Involving Vitamins
Basics: Spent $30 on a soft-cover book to find out I needed to supplement my system with $100-worth of GNC pills with different characteristics in them. Took pills twice a day. Had to sort these pills daily to keep myself organized. Fish oil, flax seed, Vitamins B-12, G-Omega8, acid free pH level-ginseng root...AND 30 oz. of protein with every meal.
Why it didn't work: You can only guess. Sure, the diet was highly recommended by a friend from California. And not the LA part either where anorexia and bulimia still top the list; he was from closer to the San Fransisco area. That should have tipped me off...

5. Bulimia
Basics: Stick fingers down your throat, tickle a little spot, and, before you know it, you're looking at what you just ate in the toilet.
Why it didn't work: Oh, gross. Not to mention the crying that comes with it, which made my make-up run and make my face look awful. Plus, it was never convenient to do out in public. The dumbest three hours of my life, basically.

4. Anorexia
Basics: Deny yourself any food. Feel guilty for even smelling something delicious.
Why it didn't work: Unless Ephedra induced, it's impossible. Besides, I never thought I could officially say I was anorexic: Anorexics have ribs showing; they cut and enjoy one raisin, followed by five hours of feeling guilty. I don't think anorexics ever looked longingly at someone enjoying a bagel and wished they would accidentally drop it in their mouths and wire their jaws shut so they would have to eat it.

3. The No-Diet Diet
Basics: Some little birdy told me you can eat whatever you want in moderation.
Why it didn't work: I was probably just coming off of one of the many other diets and loved the idea of this. So, I ate half a candy-bar, a whole wheat bagel with light cream cheese, one of those mini-cans of soda, a bag of 100-calorie fudge stripe cookies, and said "no" to the apple. See! Moderation! Sure, that was one meal...it was my reward meal for stopping a diet and going back on one! I can't trust myself. Taunts of pre-"Are you going to lose that weight?" mother telling me to finish what's on my plate or no dessert.

2. The White Wine Diet
Basics: Two bottles of wine in two days. The only food involved was eggs and steak. I read about it in "Sex and the Single Girl" and, true to Helen Gurley Brown's word, I lost six pounds in two days.
Why it didn't work: It did! I followed it! However, I can't drink white wine to this day. And I woke up the second day craving cereal for some reason. I wanted a big bowl of cereal, I didn't care what kind. I slowly put the six back on afterwards when I bought sugary cereal and ate it everyday for two weeks, figuring I would get around to going back on the wine diet. It's been three years since then and I still haven't gone back on it.

1. Slim-Fast
Basics: It used to be "A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch and a sensible dinner." Now it's Shake, wait two hours, fruit, wait two hours, shake and 200 calories for lunch (half a sandwich), more fruit and Slim-Fast bar for a snack, 500-700 calorie dinner, Slim-Fast bar for a snack.
Why it didn't work: It worked...for about 10 pounds. Then I plateaued for way too long. I finally got sick of those damn shakes. And, it doesn't help that I get a little lactose intolerant if I have too much dairy. And two shakes a day were starting to take their toll.

Conclusion: F&$% diets!

Starting a Blog

10 Reasons I Didn't Want To Start A Blog

• I would get tired of it and never write in it. (Eg: My LiveJournal; the so-called Blogs on MySpace; the countless books I have started and never finished on numerous computers, hard disks and flash drives.)
• I would go the opposite of No. 1 and go nuts writing in it, not caring about content as much as I would care about post count.
• My husband would watch me as I was writing in it, which wouldn't be a bad thing but he would start peeking over my shoulder whenever I was on my computer, trying to be the "first" to catch a glimpse of what was in store.
• I would hear the phrase I hated when people would read anything I published: "So, I was reading your blog/column/post-it..." and they'd want to follow up or ask more questions. Soon, there will be comment etiquette available for the public to read...then promptly ignore.
• Would my random thoughts I find amusing strike others the same way?
• The fear of losing anonymity (not with friends or family, but people I don't want to know I have a blog).
• Having people who know what a stickler I am for grammar, spelling and fact checking point out my mistakes in the comments.
• Spending too much time on the blog instead of doing the other productive things I should be doing.
• Feeling let down when no one's reading it.
• Feeling too exposed when people are reading it.

Top 10 Reasons I Wanted to Start A Blog

• I miss writing. I loved having a column and getting comments from readers; maybe pretending too much I was a celebrity; knowing I could write circles around Carrie Bradshaw, understanding that five years' worth of columns doesn't even come close to the amount of money used to purchase ONE Manolo Blahnik, but just loving to write.
• The [sad] satisfaction I get out of being my own editor and fact checker. (It's astounding how the joy of checking the correct spelling of Manolo Blahnik and putting away the worry of looking stupid makes me feel.
• I send out tons of e-mails every week with links, videos, pictures and jokes to my friends, never bothering to keep any of them in my Frequent Contacts list, so when someone gets left off an e-mail, I hear about it later. It's easier to have one space I can put up whatever I'm currently enjoying.
• The thought that comes into my mind when reading other blogs: "I could write something like this."
• The dull lapses at work when I've looked at all my usual Web sites and can't think of a single thing to do, so I compose a long e-mail to one of my friends...ranting about nothing in particular, just so I can make sure I still type 80 WPM.
• Yes, 80 WPM.
• Another reason to use my digital camera more often.
• If you've ever been the "funny one" in a group of friends, you know the thin line between being the center of attention and being made to perform. Blogging can help me have some control over when I "perform".
• "Studies show..." this; "Reports are saying..." that. Blogging's good for you. Google it.
• I already worked so hard on the name and the graphic, I might as well use the blog.