Screw This Diet!

I've officially thrown my hands up to the diet I was on for three weeks. Sure, I lost the honeymoon-weight...and then stopped. The scale won't budge. It moves, but stays within the same pound range, as far as ounces go. I'm going to finish the other three shakes I have, but not two a day anymore, mixed with little meals of fruits I'm sick of now. And screw that half-a-sandwich thing at lunch with a shake. That always pissed me off. It is NOT satisfying. I like my weird eating habits. Some days, I'm good and don't eat that much. Other days, I like enjoying a big lunch or a big breakfast here and there.

That just reminded me about a dream I had last night involving ordering French Toast and being so happy that I didn't even realize I had finished eating it. See, once I start dreaming about food, it means a diet is not working. That's my theory.

That said, I'll just add this to the list of my attempted-and-failed diets.

TOP TEN ATTEMPTED-AND-FAILED DIETS

10. Atkins/Low Carb
Basics: Keep away from anything with carbs, including fruits, apparently. Basically, everything you like, you can't have. I never bought the books or officially went on it, I tried to cut back for a while.
Why it didn't work: I love carbs. I LOVE bagels. Chicken is the only protein I feel comfortable cooking, it wasn't for me. My proteins are usually involved in some way with carbs. Hot dogs and hamburgers don't taste good unless they're on a bun! I even paid $30 for an eBook with the same basic diet. I was promised same-day e-mail responses from the author and a full refund if I wasn't satisfied. When I e-mailed a question, there was no e-mail the same day...or the next...or the next. I didn't even feel like asking for a refund because who knew how long that would take. They sure billed my credit card the same day, though. And no alcohol? Screw that.

9. Grapefruit Diet
Basics: A strict diet that includes some form of grapefruit with every meal.
Why it didn't work: I don't like grapefruits. Simple as that. I tried for one day to convince myself they weren't that bad. I lied to myself and I had acid reflux that night. I couldn't wait to wake up and have a bagel to calm my stomach.

8. The Water Diet
Basics: Water, water, water. Drink so much water you'll feel fuller, faster.
Why it didn't work: Peeing, peeing, peeing. Carrying the water around was a pain. I don't like to force anything into my mouth I don't want and I'm not a very thirsty person, to be honest. I know you need a ton of water, but my body never wants it, other than in the middle of the night and I drink a good 10 ounces then. Aside from that, I get my water in the form of diet soda or other foods. And I never felt full of water. I would want to pee so I could make room for actual food.

7. Birmingham Diet
Basics: It's a bunch of food I'm not crazy about for three days. Followed by four days of regular eating, whatever that means. Then repeated. Given to me by the guy at the counter at Planet Fitness in Stamford.
Why it didn't work: Not a very practical diet for someone who has to eat in public. A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg for lunch? The lunch counter guy thought I was nuts when I asked for this. Never returned to Planet Fitness in Stamford after that.

6. Some Diet Involving Vitamins
Basics: Spent $30 on a soft-cover book to find out I needed to supplement my system with $100-worth of GNC pills with different characteristics in them. Took pills twice a day. Had to sort these pills daily to keep myself organized. Fish oil, flax seed, Vitamins B-12, G-Omega8, acid free pH level-ginseng root...AND 30 oz. of protein with every meal.
Why it didn't work: You can only guess. Sure, the diet was highly recommended by a friend from California. And not the LA part either where anorexia and bulimia still top the list; he was from closer to the San Fransisco area. That should have tipped me off...

5. Bulimia
Basics: Stick fingers down your throat, tickle a little spot, and, before you know it, you're looking at what you just ate in the toilet.
Why it didn't work: Oh, gross. Not to mention the crying that comes with it, which made my make-up run and make my face look awful. Plus, it was never convenient to do out in public. The dumbest three hours of my life, basically.

4. Anorexia
Basics: Deny yourself any food. Feel guilty for even smelling something delicious.
Why it didn't work: Unless Ephedra induced, it's impossible. Besides, I never thought I could officially say I was anorexic: Anorexics have ribs showing; they cut and enjoy one raisin, followed by five hours of feeling guilty. I don't think anorexics ever looked longingly at someone enjoying a bagel and wished they would accidentally drop it in their mouths and wire their jaws shut so they would have to eat it.

3. The No-Diet Diet
Basics: Some little birdy told me you can eat whatever you want in moderation.
Why it didn't work: I was probably just coming off of one of the many other diets and loved the idea of this. So, I ate half a candy-bar, a whole wheat bagel with light cream cheese, one of those mini-cans of soda, a bag of 100-calorie fudge stripe cookies, and said "no" to the apple. See! Moderation! Sure, that was one meal...it was my reward meal for stopping a diet and going back on one! I can't trust myself. Taunts of pre-"Are you going to lose that weight?" mother telling me to finish what's on my plate or no dessert.

2. The White Wine Diet
Basics: Two bottles of wine in two days. The only food involved was eggs and steak. I read about it in "Sex and the Single Girl" and, true to Helen Gurley Brown's word, I lost six pounds in two days.
Why it didn't work: It did! I followed it! However, I can't drink white wine to this day. And I woke up the second day craving cereal for some reason. I wanted a big bowl of cereal, I didn't care what kind. I slowly put the six back on afterwards when I bought sugary cereal and ate it everyday for two weeks, figuring I would get around to going back on the wine diet. It's been three years since then and I still haven't gone back on it.

1. Slim-Fast
Basics: It used to be "A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch and a sensible dinner." Now it's Shake, wait two hours, fruit, wait two hours, shake and 200 calories for lunch (half a sandwich), more fruit and Slim-Fast bar for a snack, 500-700 calorie dinner, Slim-Fast bar for a snack.
Why it didn't work: It worked...for about 10 pounds. Then I plateaued for way too long. I finally got sick of those damn shakes. And, it doesn't help that I get a little lactose intolerant if I have too much dairy. And two shakes a day were starting to take their toll.

Conclusion: F&$% diets!