Taking A Blonde Seriously

Note: Bottle-blondes, this does not apply to you.

There's no easy way to say this. It's a fact that's becoming more and more prevalent that blondes are completely underestimated. No, it's not paranoia; it's not poor-me syndrome; and it's not just a slight case of the "ditsies". It's a perpetual cycle of acting dumb so as not to come off different than people expect, followed by (or beginning with) someone meeting a blonde and having the preconceived expectation of hearing stupidity spewing out of said blonde's mouth.

Maybe it's 25 years of cynicism catching up to me. Maybe it's seeing girls dye their hair blond, thinking it'll be more appealing, then wondering why the guys they meet don't call back. Maybe it's the fact that no matter how intelligent of a conversation I can have with someone, they'll still say at the end of it "So, remember that time you didn't realize what a 'cizock' meant?" (And, for the record, as soon as I said it out loud, I realized the answer...)

So, I've started changing my mannerisms. I started dressing more "boring brunette" (yeah, stereotypes feel shitty, don't they?), and I stopped hiding my intelligence just to make others feel more comfortable around me (read: superior). Here are some tips I've begun to use:

1. Read more.

Pick up works you don't normally read. Find authors who write intelligently -- the more you get used to reading their work, the more comfortable you feel emulating their style of speech. If you don't know a word, look it up (and find its pronunciation!), then store it in your mind for future use; don't just use it to show off, either.

2. Compliment.

People expect blondes to be self-centered and shallow. Make sure if you like someone's shirt or their new haircut, or even something little like how they drive, make sure you say it out loud. Don't over-analyze the reaction to the compliment, either: "So, are you saying I don't wear nice earrings every day?" is not something you need to worry yourself with. Once people get used to your random compliments, they'll take them more seriously.

3. Stop. Playing. Dumb.

Yes, I'm still learning this lesson. Once you get used to feeling like you need to "dumb it down" to be liked, people get to know the real you. And, whether they like you shouldn't bother you. If you feel uncomfortable, train yourself to be empowered when the look of "what did she just say?" comes across their face, let it go. Again, the more you prove your intellectual worth, the sooner it'll become accepted. (I know, I know, you shouldn't have to prove your intellectual worth to anyone. I understand. However, those who perpetuate the dumb blonde stereotype are the ones who are making it worse for you, not the unknowing non-blonds who are surprised at your behavior.)

4. Lower your voice.

This is one of the weirdest pieces of advice I can give. This goes along with suggestion No. 3, though. The higher the register one's voice is, the easier it is to lose the voice in the crowd. Think about Marilyn Monroe. When you heard her high, squeaky voice singing or her kittenish whisper when she talked, did you roll your eyes? Did you admire how men flocked to her? (Did you secretly cling to the size 16 myth? Yes, myth.) Well, as much as I hate to inform you, unless you're part of a very, very small, almost minuscule, percentage of women who actually are physically programmed to have that voice, knock it off. If you find yourself constricting your throat, even a little, when you talk, it's not your real voice. To find something in your range, take a deep breath, fill your diaphragm, then sigh out loud. Believe it or not, that's more your natural register for speaking. And if you sing at all, you may be shocked to learn you'll have to learn how to harmonize in your lower register because those "blondes" on Broadway who squeak out their pop numbers are singing incorrectly. Nodes-alert! (Side note: altos are taken more seriously than sopranos anyway. Ask any director who has heard a squeaky "On My Own" at every audition sung by someone who would have gotten a better part had they sung a full-powered "When You're Good to Mama".)

5. Quit playing with your hair.

Do it in the morning. Move it out of your eyes. Fluff it in the bathroom. But stop twirling it. Stop adjusting it strand-by-strand at your desk. Stop picturing yourself in Finesse commercials whenever you take it out of a ponytail at the bar -- you know what I'm talking about.

6. Watch your man.

Don't get paranoid, but those who have the fashion sense to realize they don't look good as a blonde feel threatened by those who do. Their inferiority complex goes into overdrive and they think they'll feel better if they can outdo a blonde. If your man is the right man, you shouldn't feel threatened at all. But these brunettes need to be put in their place sometimes. Which leads me to...

7. Never allow someone else to make you feel bad without your permission.

Change the topic, then quietly pull the aggressor aside in private and let them know how you feel. If others begin to join in, take a deep breath and tell yourself they're only trying to make themselves more comfortable. A simple "it's funny how something as simple as hair color can bring so much joy to others" may suffice. But, if the topic doesn't change, make your point known. Don't just go along with it because the conversation is going well. That only means there's nothing better to talk about and your friends are not interesting or intellectual enough for you to be wasting your time with. If the situation progresses, get up and leave. You don't need to give an explanation if you've already made your point known.

8. Don't follow the crowd.

You think wine is more satisfying than beer? Order it, even if everyone else is drinking Coors Lite on tap. You're in the mood for salad, rather than wings and potato skins? Order it, even if you're perpetuating the stereotype of the anorexic blonde. (Sorry, I've never been thin enough to be put into that stereotype, so I don't really have advice for those girls.) You would rather listen to oldies than the same 10 songs played on WTUL over and over again? Do it, stating your opinion of those wouldn't-know-good-music-if-it-was-even-still-played-on-MTV stations. Make sure your opinions are known. Make sure you have your own opinions. Make sure you have your own reasons for basing your opinions on. And, most importantly, make sure you can back it up with fact, if needed. And, just as a general rule, if anyone is drinking, these are the topics never to discuss, even if you think everyone's in agreement with you: POLITICS, RELIGION or FAMILY. Trust me on this one. Bartenders are trained to smile and nod just for this reason. Keep the peace.

9. Bring out the blonde only when necessary.

It's true that it's a blessing and curse. There are crucial moments when bringing out the stereotype may be necessary to keep the peace, settle an argument, calm the drama, or lighten the mood. It's a form of comic relief, but used sparingly is the only way to use it. I asked my dad once how to be funny. He told me "timing is everything" and said when the time is right, I would know. He may have been watching Star Wars at the moment, now that I think about it, and he was trying to have a Yoda moment.

10. Always remember, you get what you put out.

The Golden Rule applies...and it's not just a clever pun to tie in with the hair color. (Actually, the Golden Rule is wash your hair immediately after swimming in a chlorinated swimming pool so it doesn't turn green, har har har.) You may feel insecure about trying to prove your self-worth, but putting someone else down is not the way to make yourself look better; in fact, it only gives people another reason to dislike you. And this time, they have a good reason if you resort to petty tactics.

Oh, and one more thing, because I know it confused you (don't feel bad, unless you're an editor and/or an irritable blonde, you may not know):
BLONDE is the noun for a female with blond hair.
BLOND is a noun for a male with blond hair AND used as an adjective.

Blonds can be used to mean plural men and women with blond hair.
Example: I am a blonde. He is a blond. My hair is blond.

Usinge ane "E" incorrectlye doesn'te makee youe blonde, ite juste makese youe stupide.

Rich Freida is a moron and has never experienced what calling products Brilliant Brunette, Radiant Redhead and then Sheer Blonde does to someone who's just heard her 100th dumb blonde joke of the evening. How the hell is "sheer" supposed to be a positive adjective to describe a person?